Don’t Read This

Life is nothing but a riddle
No one knows the question or the answer
No one gets it
No one laughs
But try not to think about it much

I’m sitting here in my office, looking out the window at the tree that still has most of its leaves. They haven’t changed colors like the ones across the street, the beautiful death of fall. But try not to think about it much. It’s my favorite time of year, the twilight of the year, leading up to the most important food holiday. Yes, I just called Christmas a food holiday. The other two are Easter and Thanksgiving. There are also candy holidays, which are Halloween, Christmas, Valentine’s Day and Easter. Holidays are eating. But try not to think about it much. Even though fall is my favorite, and it is beautiful, I still think about leaves. Raking them, clearing them out of the gutter, clearing them to the curb repeatedly. But I try not to think about it too much. Like this post I’m making on autopilot.

So far, I haven’t been sick this season like in most years. I think influenza is leaving me alone. I stared it down, or something. It’s time for a poem break, which I won’t think about too much. Don’t read it. It’s likely to be terrible.

There is no I in team
But there is no I in a lot of words
Why doesn’t anyone talk about them?
There is no I in egg
There is no I in doughnut
There is no I in man
Though there is an Iron Man
And an ion, man
This starts to make sense after a while
When you repeat things, they often do
It’s time for a rhyme
Something something beef stew
If you’re a vegetarian, tofu
If you’re a librarian, shhhhh
This poem will have one more line
Then it will be over

So, how was that? I hope I didn’t oversell it. This is my emotional clearinghouse. Mental maids are working on spring cleaning my brain, even though it’s fall. It’s mighty dusty in there. That’s why I’m wearing a gas mask. Life is a gas. Right? Sometimes it’s inert, and sometimes it’s volatile. And sometimes it’s ert and volacarpet. Who’s to say? Try not to think about it too much. What voice are you reading this in? Is it your default inner monologue voice? Is it your own voice? Is it your impression of my voice? If it’s that last, imagine me speaking with an English accent. No, not Cockney or Posh. More of a Received English, like a newscaster would do. There’s a good person! Well done!

How come slipping on a robe is good, but slipping on a banana peel is bad? Yeah, you felt that one, didn’t you. I forced a discontinuity in your brain by shifting quickly between the two meanings of ‘slipping on’, which your brain resolved a half second later, causing mirth, or possibly joviality, paired with a groan. Nothing like having a groan up, is there? I just did it again, only with the homophones ‘groan’ and ‘grown’, and all at once. Why can you fear fear, and hate hate, and love love, but you can’t eat eat? Well, as clever as that might have sounded initially, it’s because ‘eat’ is only a verb, or doing word, while the other three are both verbs and nouns. So, not so clever after all, is it. That’s a pseudojoke, like what you might find on a meme or in a tweet, perhaps. But try not to think about it too much.

Wow, who’s driving this post? No one, I think. It’s all copilot. Why isn’t there an autocopilot? Well, judging from this post, there very well may be. This post is fairly useless, and conveys no meaningful information whatsoever, so if you’ve made it down to here, I apologize. There is no twist ending. Spoiler alert! Your milk is about to go bad. That joke was terrible, and yet, it’s not even the bottom of the barrel. Can you imagine if I had been sick? Can you imagine if I had taken cold medicine and started this post, and wrote these words, but in a completely different order, like alphabetical or by length? It would probably make more sense. Try not to think about it too much. I have a tiny globe on my desk. No, of the earth. Small world. That was a pun based on the size of the globe. The actual globe is fairly large from what I understand. What? Oh. Go ahead, I’ll wait. There’s soap in there, and a towel.

*10 minutes later*

That’s it. Hope everything came out okay, and all that. Have a great day! It’s not fall in the southern hemisphere. It’s spring. But try not to think about it too much.


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