The Deconstruction Of Ward Clever

Oh, look. Here’s the ultra hip Mister Clever. He’s so serious all the time, just serious and deep and brooding. Whoa. Look at him. All over there, writing his words and his phrases and his clauses, and dangling his participles. I’ll bet he never splits an infinitive! No, sir or madam or transitional person! He does not!

Who does he think he is, with his always replying to comments, and commenting to replies, and trying all these silly colors and fonts and craziness? Huh? Friggin Design on a Dime? And he probably knows what Design on a Dime is. And all the HGTV shows. He’s a fashion icon, lol! More like fashion eyesore. These colors clash more than the Titans! These colors make 1970s appliances look cool again. And you just know he’d make a joke about inflation making it Design on a Quarter. Pfft!

He’s probably wearing bell bottoms, swim flippers and a corset, because he’s just so damned cutting edge and different. Everyone will be wearing them in two years, but he’s wearing pants on his torso right now, like a trendsetter! Whatever.

He’s got all these ‘oh, I love you so much it hurts’ and ‘oh, the pain is nearly unbearable’ and ‘here’s a patch of grass I once saw a bird land in’ and ‘here a picture of the sky’ pieces and pictures, like no one has seen the sky before! And his metaphors – totally incomprehensible. Who can know what the hell he is saying? He should just come right out and say it! When other people want to say they like your shirt, they say they like it, but not our Mister Clever, oh no! He’s all “yon garment of finest silk be-draped on your pulchritudinous countenance is like the newly fallen snow on a crisp wintry morn, unbesmirched by the footprints of man or beast.” Bleh. It’s a shirt! Who does that? Good lord. So pretentious, he’s unreal.

What a wanker.


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