I have some things to apologize for that I wanted to clear up right now. I would atone for them too, but hey, let’s not get carried away. I feel bad enough about these things I’ve done as it is, so don’t be a huge jerk by demanding I also make up for them, okay? I did these things, and now I’m admitting them, so let’s just leave it at that for now.
I would like to apologize for the following:
- Peeing in the ocean
I normally don’t pee in public at all, not even in public restrooms. I hold it and save it for when I’m not in public, like at home, or the back of a movie theater. But this time, this one time, I had drunk quite a lot of various liquids that exceeded the capacity of my bladder, kidneys and urethra, and like a dam that broke, the floodgates opened up. Actually, if floodgates open, the dam doesn’t break, but that is well away from my point, which is that I peed on many sea creatures and contributed to the overall pollution levels of the earth. I feel especially bad for jellyfish. I’ve heard that if you are stung by a jellyfish, peeing on it will make the stinging pain go away. If that ever happens, I would gladly pee right on you and not even feel bad about it. But that’s you. Jellyfish dissolve in my acidic urine, and I am terribly, terribly sorry for that.
- Sleeping with your sister
I normally don’t hit on your sister at all, not even in public restrooms. Just the thought of touching or even looking at your sister makes me vomit (I’m feeling a little nauseous just typing out that thought). However, in all fairness, she was wearing Spanx, and her body looked fantastic, killer even, like a killer whale or a serial killer. Plus, you are the one who had the wedding reception with the open bar. I did not decide to make all that booze free. It’s no more on my hands than if there had been a swimming pool filled with booze which I also drank. In any case, your mother had promised me that dance behind the pantry, but she passed out on top of the Tostitos, and I had to fill the dance card. I am so very, very sorry that your sister was the one to fill it. I just didn’t feel right about sleeping with your wife or the maid of honor or the best man on your wedding night. I promise to save that for my wedding.
- Dropping the cure for cancer
Okay, this one was just clumsiness on my part. Also a bit of poor planning. I had been working so hard on that cure for cancer over at the lab, and I was so close that I didn’t make a back-up batch. I just left the sample in the fridge, taking all the precautions as per the protocol of the International Brotherhood of Science Guys – sorry, Science People – and went out with my undergrads for some hot wings, fries, chicken strips, calamari and crab with butter. I hate to use a ton of napkins, because the environment, so I just kind of shook my greasy hands off on the floor. I wasn’t driving, so the 8 beers I had were just fine! I deserved it! But when I got back and took out the sample to inject it in the test subject, it just slipped out of my hands. In retrospect I should have used a fork, and for that I am eternally sorry. It should only take me a few months to come up with another one, and I will write myself plenty of Post-Its and tack them all over the lab so I don’t repeat this mistake during the Christmas party.
- Burying fake plastic bones, digging them up on live television, and claiming I had discovered a new dinosaur
My roommate had eaten the last of the pizza after we had made a fucking agreement that the last of the pizza was MINE! He ate over half the pizza, so it was only fair! My lord, was I ever pissed. Still, that is no excuse to try to fool him, all my friends and family, the entire scientific community of paleontologists and the United States and those other foreign countries. I should have never allowed myself to get so angry, but most of all, I shouldn’t have taken it out on the entire world. I feel awful for this, and it won’t happen again. I know I have called another press conference in two weeks, but I promise you, that is for a legitimate discovery.
So, for the record, I just wanted you to know that I was sorry for all these things, and none of them won’t probably ever happen again. I will try not to forget about this no matter how much I drink tonight, and I will enter some type of rehab or something as soon as it seems like I have no other choice.
I humbly apologize.