When Santa Claus Got Drunk

​It’s that time of year when I post the poem I wrote a few years ago about the time Santa Claus got drunk.

When Santa Claus Got Drunk

I had a really crappy night
On Christmas Eve this year
It started with a big mistake
Involving one of the deer

I accidentally shot Dancer
Though the venison was delicious
I might have missed a few on my list
Who sent me Christmas wishes

On the rooftops I danced and lost my pants
Which reminded me of the deer I ate
And I cried for an hour in that snow shower
Remembering the friend on my plate

So I consoled my merry old soul
With some elvish cherry wine
And I drank that drink until I drove
The though of deer from my mind

I passed out for three hours
Woke up in a pool of pee
When I finally delivered presents
I completely skipped Germany

I had to spend delivery’s end
On the shoulders of Jack Frost
My sack of toys had a hole in it
And lot of them got lost

I puked on my suit
I wrecked my sleigh
Old Man Winter sprayed me with mace
I got some blood on all the gifts
Punched Rudolph in the face

The elvish boss was very cross
That I broke into his stash
He did what I feared and shaved off my beard
(Though he left on my mustache)

But what upset Mrs. Claus the most
(Though I haven’t gotten an answer)
Was the ad I posted while I was still roasted
“Wanted: New Pole Dancer”


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