I like love. I love love. I am in love with liking love, and in love with loving love. For the love I love to love so much, I would love doing things for that love. First, I would love if there was trial-sized love – just a little love for when I’m out and need some love. Maybe bite-sized love. Family-sized love might be too much love for me to love all at once right now. I am not yet a complete love master. I am a love journeyman, carrying love from here to there, from hither to yon, even though I have no idea where these places are or where to find them on Google Maps or Love Cartographers. For love, I would love the very essence of love itself, and through loving love, I would at last be loved by love.

For love, I would Zamboni Siberia. For love, I would dust the Sahara. For the love of love, I would sweep and mop the parking lot of Disneyland, especially if it was the one in France, where love is French love, the Frenchiest love of all the loves. For love, I would watch Steel Magnolias until I had memorized every line, though I may go completely insane in the process and pull out my spleen. For love, I would attend a thousand family reunions of people I had never met – surely some of them would have love to give, and love to give love, and are loving the love they give when they give love. For love, I would establish a hugging booth at a leper colony, though it cause me great discomfort, because surely some of them would have love to give, and some body parts as well, however inadvertently. For love, I would spend a month living with Kanye, though I bash my head against the wall every single day whilst wearing no helmet. For love, I would vacuum Stonehenge, power wash the Great Pyramid, and drink enough beer to put out every wildfire in the southwestern United States with my urine stream alone, because there is only enough room for the wildfire of love in my heart.

For love, I would wear a flower costume and enter a killer bee compound. For the loving love of love, I would watch the entire Twilight movie series consecutively without eating or sleeping, though I couldn’t promise not to vomit. For loving love to love me, I would listen to the entire discographies of White Zombie and Rob Zombie solo and Live and The Cult and Alice In Chains, and swallow a spoonful of expired yogurt each time a singer said ‘yeah’. For loving to love you baby for loving love, I would dress as an alien and go to a conspiracy convention waving bizarre alien devices and knocking off everyone’s tinfoil hats, because geeks love to love love. For love, I would step on Superman’s cape, spit into the wind, and mess around with Jim Croce’s junkyard dog. For love, I would swipe my finger across a wedding cake made by Martha Stewart on live television wearing nothing but a Do Not Disturb sign over my junk. For love, I would write and continue to write and keep on writing a stupid blog post long past the point at which it has jumped the shark – and then I would eat that shark raw and wash it down with pickle juice.

For the love that is love itself personified among mortals, I would do housework for all the fraternities and prisons in America. For love that is all I need, I would jump off a building and land on Kanye’s ego, puncturing it with love darts. For love, I would drive all the way across the country to Hawaii, only stopping to refuel the fires of my burning love. For love, I would make Meat Loaf do all the things that he said he wouldn’t do for love, because I could convince him that those things, being for love, would be worth doing for that reason alone. For love, I would make Chuck Norris punch himself in the face with his foot, because even Chuck Norris cannot stand up against the power of love. For love, I would change the rules of Fight Club and let everyone talk about it, because they would be talking about love. For love in an elevator, I would not only carry the One Ring to Mordor, I would carry the Two Earrings to Hell, the One Ankle Bracelet to Hades, the One Necklace to Armageddon, and the One Purse to Sarah Palin’s house in Alaska, the one you can see Russia from, because it’s from Russia with love.

I am so in love with loving love, that I would do a lot for the love that love is. Ah, love.

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