They Secretly Replaced All My Blood With Coffee

Hi! How are you today? Have you lost weight? You look fantastic! I’ve been writing a lot of morose poetry lately, so today I thought I’d try something different. I’m wearing a dress to work. It’s so comfortable! A bit drafty, though. Maybe I should have worn underpants? I don’t know.

I’m just kidding! It’s a blouse and a skirt, because classy. These heels are killing me, but I refuse to be one of those women who wears sneakers to and from the office. I just went barefooted. My goodness, it’s cold. (‘My goodness’ is code for ‘holy fuck’.)

I have all this nervous energy for some reason. Well, the coffee I drank, yes, that’s certainly a part of the aforementioned energy that I previously mentioned before mentioning it now. But don’t worry! Because why would you? I’m sorry I mentioned worrying. Now you’re probably worried that I had something to worry about, when you would really be worrying about nothing, because I told you not to worry. It wasn’t reverse psychology! I promise!

Although I have a degree in reverse psychology. It’s a DhP!

And now, for a musical interlude. One of you… start singing something. No, not that. Yes, that’s nice. Hum it in the background. The rest of you, is that good? Great! On with the post.

The End

Ha! Just kidding. My goodness (*wink*), this is a messed up post. What is wrong with you? You’re reading it so weirdly! What makes you read it like that! It’s a recipe for ciappino, and you’re acting like it’s some guy in a dress on too much coffee and some fake degree! Why would you do that? Because I told you not to?

Oh. Sorry. Well, if all it takes for you to do something is for me to tell you not to, then don’t give me money. That will teach you not to do the inverse of the opposite of what I request you don’t not do!

Speaking of teaching, I think Crosby, Stills, Nash and Young would make excellent education secretaries, because they want to teach your children, for what it’s worth. Yes, I know, that last one was actually Buffalo Springfield. You’d better stop. Hey! What’s that sound? Oh, right, it’s the person humming in the background. I love The Fridge Song!

Are you following me so far? Well I’ve asked you to stop following me, nicely, and it looks like I’ll have to file that restraining order after all. I’ll also have to buy some drapes because you keep looking in my windows. I’ll make sure the carpet matches the drapes. I have wooden floors. Hmmm….

I originally typed that as ‘woden’ not ‘wooden’, and as you all know except for those three people over there, Woden is another name for Odin, and it’s where we get the name of one of the days of the week, which is Saturday. Of all the gods, Odin is the one eye like best. See what I did there? You do? Stop looking at me like that! Not all of you, just the ones suffering from synesthesia, who are looking at me with their taste buds or something.

I don’t mean to belittle anyone who actually suffers from synesthesia. My goodness (*wink*), I’m accommodating! That’s why I’m having someone hum in the background – so you can read my blog too! You’re welcome! Speaking of that, when ‘Welcome’ is printed on a mat, does anyone else wish the mat was more specific? What exactly am I welcome to do? Enter the house? So, do I just walk in, or do I still have to knock or ring the doorbell? Because if I have to ring the doorbell, the mat should say ‘Ring Doorbell, Then Await Instructions’. That would be far more accurate, and make for a larger doormat. You people who work for doormat companies are ‘Welcome’ to take notes on this (

The place I work (Playboy Mansion) is offering a compressed work schedule, which means eight nine-hour days, one eight-hour day, and then a day off, in every two week period. I was already working a depressed work schedule, which is where on a day the answer to the question ‘do I have to work today?’ is ‘Yes’, I get depressed. So I’m considering whether to work this, and I’m also worried about a two week period. That is a long time to play hockey! It would probably have to be broken up over a fourteen day stretch of time, or something. Possibly a fortnight.

Now it’s time for the Irish goodbye, the French exit, the ghost. This is where you don’t really go around greeting everyone, telling them you’re leaving, say your farewells, going on about it. You just skip right to the leaving part, and it may seem abrupt sometimes, but it sure does take a lot less time. How it works is that you just sort of


14 thoughts on “They Secretly Replaced All My Blood With Coffee”

  1. So many questions, like, I’m guessing the first song hummed was the national anthem or something, you rightly put the kaibosh on that. But then the whole synesthesia thing made me laugh so hard I forgot the other questions, pre emptively or something, ugh, I’m jet lagged. I love this BTW. You’re amazing.

    Liked by 2 people

  2. It is a disturbing fact that I understand what you are saying. Don’t ask me to explain it but I understand it. Always a pleasure to read, even the dark, twisted angry stuff that I might not get quite as well but I still can’t stop reading. You are my favorite, no doubt. (Had a glass of wine, so if this doesn’t make sense we are blaming the wine).

    Liked by 1 person

      1. Thank you for even reading my silly blog. You are so far out of my league but I am here to entertain, so if it makes you laugh, I’ve done my job. No drinking necessary to read your amazing work, just drinking necessary for me to find words. This is true for trivia or Jeopardy as well. One glass of wine or three beers does the trick LOL. I wasn’t even close to being buzzed on 1 glass of wine. It just helps my brain wake up a little. 🙂

        Liked by 1 person

Share your amazing thoughts with me!

Please log in using one of these methods to post your comment: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out /  Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )


Connecting to %s