The Reluctant Hitchhiker

“You know that saying ‘it’s my way or the highway’? What if that person’s way IS the highway? That’s not really much of a choice, is it? Now it’s down to just the highway. The highway is much faster, of course, so there’s no reason not to choose that. It might be inconvenient to take the highway at times, but that isn’t as catchy. How would that even go?
“It’s the highway, or not!”
“It’s the highway, or some other road!”
“It’s the highway, and that’s about it.”
“It’s my way, which is the highway.”
“It’s the interstate.”

You know what I mean?”

“Look, buddy – are you going to give me a ride to Greenville, or not? I can keep hitchhiking.”

“And if ‘my way’ is the highway, then did Frank Sinatra do whatever he did on the highway? I’ve always wondered that. Or did he fly? Would that be the flyway? And how come we PARK on a DRIVEway, but we DRIVE on the SIDEWALK? Have you ever wondered that? Here, want some beef jerky? It’s teriyaki. Good stuff.”

“Are you… I’ll just sit here, and you can drive when you’re ready. I’ve been walking along the interstate all day, and you’re the first person to stop, and I can’t afford to be choosy, so… Go!”

“Speaking of crooners, you know Tony Bennett is immortal, right? He hinted at it in one of his songs. He left his heart in San Francisco. That’s blatantly obvious! He made a dark pact, put his heart into a phylactery, left it in San Francisco, and now he can’t be killed except by powerful beings or strong magic. Most people don’t know that. They think it’s a metaphor.”

“Um… maybe I’ll just get out and wait for the next-“

“Say, don’t you think it’s strange that hitchhikers stick out their thumbs? How did that become a thing? You’d think they’d point with their fingers in the direction they want to go. That makes more sense, doesn’t it. And what about the word ‘hitchhiker’? They’re not hiking at all! They usually walk along a road, which isn’t all that hard if you think about it. What are they hitching to, anyway? None of them is walking around with a trailer, looking to hitch it up to something. They’re really asking for a ride, is my point. They should be called ‘rideaskers’. Or maybe ‘liftinquirers’. That has a nice ring to it. The Liftinquirerer’s Guide to the Galaxy! Maybe I should write a book about-”

*door opens*

“Oh, now where’s he gone to? Jumped right out the door, he did! I guess this was his stop. Kind of a quiet guy, really.”


7 thoughts on “The Reluctant Hitchhiker”

  1. This cracked me up, I had to re-read it a couple times. I don’t know why, but it made me think of Dark Tower – “go then, there are other worlds than these”

    Liked by 2 people

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