We Will Annihilate You

“We are coming to annihilate you.”

That was the simple message received by the amateur SETI enthusiast James Ball. At first, the media was awash with debunkers from both sides, the rational and the tinfoil hat wearers who claimed that this was fake (unlike their own bizarre and unlikely theories, of course). But in time, most scientists, radio operators and anyone involved in communications of any kind verified the message.

It came every two hours and seventeen minutes, which was the rotational period of RX-29587 in the Glofula cluster, 12 light years away. Naturally, everyone assumed it came from there, and that seemed to relax the planet and lessen the rioting somewhat. It would take decades for any sort of force to arrive from that far away. But all services were off the table, as the militaries of every nation were able to justify huge expenditures on new weapons of every type. “What difference does global warming make if the planet is wiped out?” was a typical argument.

They were wrong. It seems that the invaders lined up their path of attack with the star so that it appeared to come from there. In actuality, they arrived in ten years.

The planet was abuzz with many different types of defenses, spread out amongst all nations. The aliens didn’t care. They broke right through and landed near Omaha, Nebraska. They didn’t seem interested in other cities at all, much less other nations on earth.  They were bipedal and vaguely human, with several obvious differences such as wings and large eyes. They landed an enormous fleet of ships, and erected a force field around the fleet and part of a suburb of Omaha called Gretna. The nearby air base fired everything off, but it had no effect.

The U.S. wanted to test teleportation devices it had developed. They were successful in teleporting bombs inside, but no explosions were detected. Nuclear weapons were considered, but when all weapons were determined to have no effect, the idea was abandoned.

The force field began to shrink, while the fleet moved closer to a particular house. Eventually, the force field was just around the house and the fleet. The house was determined to be that of Mr. Andy Bobonaobna. He had refused to come out, according to all reports. This was determined by flying camera drones over the force field. The drones would bounce off the field when they flew too low. One enterprising camera operator used this to his advantage and simply landed the drone on top of the force field. All other news outlets on earth quickly followed suit.

A large government drone dropped a small explosive directly over Mr. Bobonaobna’s house, vaporizing all the drones for half a block, and then landed. It broadcast a message that heavily suggested Mr. Bobonaobna come out and talk to the aliens, so they could do whatever. In particular, the drone asked about the annihilation. What time would it happen? That sort of thing.

Andy Bobonaobna walked out of his house at exactly 10:52am on whatever day this happened. Two aliens walked up to him and just started kicking the shit out of him. Not trying to kill him. More beating him up. He hit back a few times, but he was outnumbered. As he lay on the ground in a bloody pulpy mess, the aliens were heard saying through their translators “We told you we would annihilate you, Andy. You’re an asshole. Don’t you ever say that about our mom again!”

The force field dropped, the fleet took off, and the aliens departed. Scans in the area revealed no trace of them left behind. As for Andy Bobonaobna, it was discovered that he had two scars on his back and his eyes were rather larger than normal. It was also discovered that he was, indeed, an asshole.

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