Murder In Uniform


Name: Chester McDangerbottom
Address: Right behind you
Phone: Will self-destruct

Qualifications: I have a black suit
I am a ninja
I walk on rice paper without leaving a trace
I am as adept with the ladies as I am with weapons
I like cake
I can kill you in 1,578 different ways
1,579 if you include a paper cut from this resume
I have no family or friends and I don’t even like baristas
I can hack into any system, including soundsystems, ecosystems, and System of a Down
I am extremely good-looking, yet I am a master of disguise
I speak 19 different languages, including Klingon and Sindarin
I was a forensic housekeeper, forensic dentist, forensic car wash operator and forensic penguin scrubber
I never drink or do drugs, not even ibuprofen or coffee, yet I am immune to 17 different poisons.
I am highly intimidating to the extent that no one has had hiccups around me for more than 12 seconds
I can appear as anything, including men of different races, women, animals, inanimate objects and aliens
I would have won the gold in Olympic Hide-and-Seek, but I would never allow myself to be found
I once stood inside Tiffany’s for one week, in plain sight, yet was never discovered
I once dressed as your father and had sex with your mother, and I am actually your father
I am well-versed in all forms of time travel, particularly forward travel at the rate of one second per second

I assassinated Franz Ferdinand
I killed Genghis Khan
I killed the guy who discovered fire and took credit, then wisely gave it up for anonymity
I killed onstage at The Improv
I slept with every female member of the KGB in one week – last week
I was the main source of the misdirection surrounding the moon landing – I simply did not want the public to know what was really discovered up there, so I impersonated the entire crew at once
I disguised Kenny Rogers as Mickey Rourke

I have already assassinated the other applicants, plus potential applicants and coworkers

Employment with benefits, incredible pay and plenty of room for advancement

Please just nod yes when you’ve come to your senses. I’m in your top desk drawer. Also, Chester McDangerbottom is an alias.


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