Real Superhero Angst

Superheroes In Real Life

Steve walks in and sits on the couch. On the TV is some cooking show with a couple of hack chefs who tell you how to make a sandwich or boil water. Next to Steve is a large heavyset man in a Stewie Griffin t-shirt and sweat pants. Steve is also in sweats, but he’s been to the gym. Not inside the gym, though, as he just ran there and back. His hair is sticking up everywhere. And he is hungry.

“Let’s order a pizza, Ted.”
“You know I always get carryout, Steve.”
“Dude, you need to move off the couch every so often. Get some exercise.”
“I have no need to move ever again.”
“Oh really, genius? Then how do you go to the-”
“I’m sitting right now, aren’t I.”
“Holy shit. What if you run out of-”
“To the store, then back home, then back with money. I have a tab there.”
“You’re squatting and your ass is covered with shit and you’re smelly. You just go right into the store and get more?”
“It’s only for a second. No one will see me. And if they do, who cares? What the fuck are they going to do about it?”
“Shit, Ted, have some dignity! There are cameras, you know, and they don’t blink. Or forget.”
“Yeah, come in. It’s unlocked.”
“Who are you… Oh, right. Ariel is coming over?”
“She’s about a half mile away. She’s getting stronger. Well, better at it.”
“Yeah, dude. She’s definitely not stronger. She barely floats off the ground anymore.”

A few minutes later, the door opens and a girl with mousey brown hair floats in. She lands on the couch between Ted and Steve. She opens her purse and pulls out a stick of beef jerky.

“Hey, Ariel, put that away. Ted’s gonna order a pizza.”
“Yeah, if someone gets me the phone.”
“Dude, it’s like 10 feet away.”
“Hello, I’m sitting. If I port over there, I’ll fall over. Then I can’t port back.”
Ariel joined in. “What about if you stand up and walk over there, get the phone, then walk back and call? You know? Walking?”
“I know it. I’ve seen people do it. Even done it myself, Ariel. But, why bother? And you’re one to talk. When’s the last time you walked anywhere?”
“Fuck you, Ted. Steve, will you get it?”
“Fine. I’ll fucking get the phone. I actually have to walk all the time, thank you very much, but sure, I’d love to go over and get the goddamned fucking phone for you lazy fucks.” Steve retrieves Ted’s cell phone and hands it to him before sitting back down.

Ariel and Ted look at Steve. Ariel says “What the fuck is wrong with you?”
Ted answered for him. “Shannon broke up with him.”
“Broke up with him? Why?”
“She said he was running around on her.”
“Hardy har. Steve, you should have said something!”
“Yeah. Steve should have seen that coming.”
Steve stood up. “Shannon is the one who is psychic, you ignorant dick. Why don’t you teleport into your own ass?”
“Fuck you, Steve. You’re always picking girls up, all the time – in twos and threes!”
“Ted, shut up. It’s old. You’re a fucktard. As always.

Ariel put her hand on Steve’s shoulder. “She fucked up. She’ll be back. She doesn’t know what she’s missing.”
“She sure as fuck does, Ariel! Think about it. If she breaks up with you, she fucking knows what she’s doing.” Ted grinned.
“Fuck you, Ted! One more crack and I’m knocking you out. At least I don’t have to run a tab at a fucking store in case I run out of hand lotion.”
“Well you’d better stock up on it now, Sir Lonely Boy.”
“That’s it. I’m kicking your ass. I’ve had it with you and I’m in no mood. Fucker!”

Steve reaches over Ariel and pops Ted in the mouth just as Ted disappears.
“Oh my god! Steve, you could have seriously hurt him! You can’t just-”

Just then, Ariel’s phone rings. She answers it.
“Hello? Where are you?”
“Hey, Ariel. I am not sure. It’s probably not good. I’m cold.”
“Are you on the mountain?”
“All I can see are clouds. They’re getting closer. I think I’m falling. I can see the mountain. It’s kind of hazy…”
“Oh, fuck, Steve. He’s in mid air near the mountain… hang on… Probably the northwest side.”
“So? He got himself into this mess.”
“Steve! He can’t teleport safely when he’s moving that fast.”
“Fuck.” Steve looks away for a second, then looks at the door.
“Dammit! Fine. I’ll go catch him. Stupid fucker.”
“Okay, good. Steve?”
“Shannon wasn’t worth it. She’s kind of a bitch.”
“Yeah. Yeah, I know. Don’t have to be psychic to know that. Still… hurts.”
“I know. Now go!”

Steve leaves in a flash, and heads for the mountain to catch Ted.


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