This is a special report from my desk at work. I am tired and sleepy. There are two fans going, and that adds to the sleepy ambiance, despite the squawkings of my coworkers. I was wondering what would happen if I opened a Notepad and just started typing, no matter what came to mind, no matter what came out of my fingers, even if it was peanut butter egg dirt. I, could, randomly, insert, repetitive, punctuation, so, you, have, to, pause, between, each, word. You, can’t, help, it, – you, are, my, slave, right, now, my, little, monkey, doing, a, little, monkey’s, pause. I! Still! Had! Time! To! Work! In! A! Bad! Pun! Based! On! An! Edgar! Allen! Poe! Reference! Despite! This! Business! With! The! Punctuation! You? should? feel? lucky? I’m? even? using? punctuation? at? all? I could use no punctuation at all and make you never stop to take a breath or stop for any reason at all just keep going and going and never stop typing until eventually that Mountain Dew you drank just now made you pee your pants because you are still my slave until I eventually let you stop and take a breath or a break no matter what your curiosity will override your brain and all your biological needs because that’s how humans work I feel certain about this and just to bring the point home I am going to stop using spaces too sonowyouhavetoreadeverythingallcrammedtogetherandyouarefeelingclaustrophobicandpressedinandthewallsareclosinginonyouandyoumaynevergetoutandyouarefeelingcrushedandtrappedandyouarewishingyouhadnevergonedowntherabbitholethatthisbloghasbecomeandthen –
I have some mercy. I practice a random act of kindness to accompany my random act of meanness. Still, when you close your eyes tonight, or later when you have juice and take a nap during Nap Time, all you will see is a jumble of punctuation and a monkey, all you will feel is claustrophobia, all you will taste is Mountain Dew, all you will smell is fear, and all you will hear is a steady male voice repeating this blog over and over in Received English or Received American, depending on if you love freedom or not. And as you can tell from your reaction, your visceral reaction to the scary path this blog has led you down, you do have a taste for being manipulated and controlled, for being directed and led, for being slightly trapped. If you didn’t, you wouldn’t be thinking of Tim Curry in fishnets right now. Aha! You’re thinking of Dr. Frank-N-Furter right this very second. I knew you would because I am manipulating your thoughts. Now I free you. Think whatever you want. Stop thinking about the Time Warp. No, stop. Something else. Not that. No. No. Maybe – no. OH! That’s disgusting, certainly not that. Ah, that’s better. Lovely thought. I knew you could do it.

After all, I made you this way.