I’m tired. I worked out 4 days in a row, and burned off lots of calories. Enough to lose 3 pounds this week. For me, it’s more about the calorie intake. I have to eat 1400 calories or less to lose weight. I have a low metabolism, I guess.
I’m also tired from working all day. I got some new duties, and a project, and I’m in meetings and shit all day. But you don’t give a shit about that. So let’s talk about something different.
I have stopped masturbating stray cats. It’s a habit I picked up in the Korean war. All those lonely nights in the trenches and kid swimming pools filled with ostrich urine and ammo for my Nerf gun. I wasn’t actually in the army, but they let me go along because my parents were rich, being the king and queen of Cordoba and all. (Cordoba is a Spanish word that means “cordoba” in Spanish.) They said I could run alongside the tanks if I promised not to hurt anyone, which was why I had the Nerf gun. I originally carried a paintball gun, but do you know how hard it is to find paintballs in Korea? On a scale of one to ten, it’s about a seven. Wait, which was… what was one, the hardest or the easiest? I don’t remember.
Anyway, so I was caught by the policia, which was strange because they’re Brazilian or something. I guess they were contractors. Hairless salsa-dancing contractors. They also had Nerf guns, but theirs fired bean bags like the ones used in cornhole. However, while I was at the station, their struedel was fantastic, as was their jasmine green tea. I made sure to get arrested at 2pm every day. Soon, we became great friends, which helped me get on the Brazilian national futbol team. We had a great season, and won the World Cup that year. We also won the Solar System cup, which I can tell you now that the presence of aliens has been declassified by the Mock United Nations Student Council.
After that, Belgium happened. It just happened. Suddenly, this huge fucking Belgium just, like, you know, happened. Out of thin air. No one could explain it, not even scientists or hipsters. The only ones who even came close were Chuck D and Flavor Flav. The time on Flav’s clock always indicates the time Belgium happened. If you notice. Not a lot of people know that.
Anyway, I stopped masturbating stray cats, though I still occasionally soak in a kiddie pool full of ostrich urine – it’s amazing on the skin. Just amazing. You’d be amazed.
And that’s what goes through my mind during a long and boring meeting. Nostalgia for the past. Ahhhhhh, nostalgia. I remember when I made some other mention of nostalgia on this blog. That was the minutes.