Your Witness

Ye Olde Playeres In Order Of Appearance

Mr. Whatever – Attorney For The Defense
Judge Foryourself – The Judge
Miss Personpenis – Star Witness For The Prosecution, Possibly Turned Hostile Witness
Lou Bigballsky – The Defendant
Mr. Fuckingguilty – Attorney For The Prosecution
Miss Deadweight – Court Stenographer
Carl Lewis – Olympic Athlete In Running-Related Sports
A Unicorn – Jury Foreunicorn

“Mr. Whatever?”

The man sat back in his chair, eyes closed, waving his hands around, and occasionally clapping them to some mysterious beat.

“Mr. Whatever! Your witness!”

Mr. Whatever clapped one last time and then opened his eyes, glancing at his client as he did. He got up slowly, straightening his everything including his package of junk sausage giblet jimmy johnson, gave a glance to Judge Foryourself, and walked slowly to the witness stand.

“Miss Personpenis. On the night in question, do you really think the defendant, my client, Lou Bigballsky, did anything? I mean, really? For real? Are you kidding me here? Come on.”

“Well… no.”

“Objection, your honor! He’s badgering the witness, who I will-”

“Counsel, please approach the bench.”

Mr. Whatever and Mr. Fuckingguilty walked right up to Judge Foryourself, stopping halfway.

“Counsel, please walk the rest of the way to the bench. Jesis.”

The two lawyer guys walked the rest of the way to the bench, though at the bottom of the podium. Not, like, all the way to the bench, but on the business side of it, where they stand.

“What’s this thing that you said?”

“He’s badgering the witness. And I would like to declare this witness a hostile witness, considering that for the past 30 minutes everything she said has supported the defendant being there, having motive, and killing the victim to death by killing.”

“Did you ask permission?”

“Okay, MAY I declare this-”

“Manners, Mr. Fuckingguilty.”

“Please may I declare this wit-”


“To what, Mr. Whatever?”

“I don’t like that tie. It’s hideous. What is that, a fish? Make him take it off.”

“Sustained. Take off that hideous tie.”

“But what about-”

“Hostile witness declaration contingent upon your removal of fish tie!”

“Fine. Just for the record, it’s actually a dolphin.”

“Miss Deadweight, did you enter that into the record?”

“Wait, I didn’t mean… It’s a figure of speech!”

“Miss Deadweight, read that back, please?”

“Okay, your honor…’Just for the record, it’s actually a dolphin.'”

“It’s a matter of record that Mr. Fuckingguilty had been wearing a dolphin tie, and is now wearing no tie whatsoever. He’s tieless. Carl Lewis, please help yourself to this dolphin tie.”

“Thank you, your honor!”

“Hey! What the hell! That’s my tie!”

“No, sir. Tie goes to the runner. Still your witness, Mr. Whatever.”

“Right. So, Miss Personpenis, the defendant, my client, Lou Bigballsky, did not, in fact, kill anyone, or anything at all like that whatsoever, correct?”

“Correct. He did not.”

“No further questions, your honor.”

“Cross-examination, Mr. Fuckingguilty?”

“Hell yes, your honor! Miss Personpenis, did you not just expound most vociferously for the past half hour about how Mr. Bigballsky killed the victim, how he had motive, time, planning, the murder weapon, and a video of him doing it?”

“I think you misunderstood my answers.”

“What!?!? You literally… that’s what you… are you perjuring yourself right now?”

“Objection, your honor! Prosecution is badgering the witness. Possibly even wolverineing her. I can’t be sure.”

“Objection sustained. Mr. Fuckingguilty, I caution you not to pursue bears into the woods. That’s dangerous. It has no bearing on this trial, but still, it’s worth mentioning.”


“Are you taking this case pronoun bono, then?”

The entire courtrooom laughs, because the ‘laugh’ sign comes on. Also, because they think it’s funny. Mostly the sign, though.

“Now it’s last call. Er, I mean, closing arguments. Mr. Whatever, you are up first.”

“Your honor, I want to go last. Is that okay?”

“Um… sure, yeah. No problem. Mr. Fuckingguilty, you’re up!”

“This whole courtroom is out of order! I stuck a dollar in it, and it not only didn’t give me a verdict, it kept my dollar! Someone needs to put up a sign. Ladies and gentleman and unicorn of the jury, Mr. Bigballsky is clearly guilty of murder in the first degree, which is the associate’s degree. In this case, for a couple of hours, you have seen all the evidence clearly laid out in an airtight case, outlining from beginning to end all the details of how Mr. Bigballsky conceived, planned and executed this murder, as well as video, pictures and 150 eyewitnesses who saw him doing it. I don’t think I have to tell you that coming back with a verdict of anything other than guilty would be really fucking stupid. Thank you.”

“Mr. Whatever, you’re up.”

“Thank you so much, your honor. You’re so sweet. Have you lost weight? Anyway, ladies and gentlemen and unicorn of the jury, I have but one thing to say: He didn’t do it. Not guilty! Can I get a what-what?”


“Jurors will disregard that last admonition by the defense to call it on back all up in this motherfucking courtroom. This is my house, bitches. Now, go decide what the fuck so we can get out of here and eat, okay?”

*15 minutes later*

“The defendant will please rise. I didn’t say Simon Says, foo! Simon Says defendant, please rise. Jury foreunicorn, has the jury reached a verdict?”

“Yes we have, your honor.”

“Okay, well how about telling the rest of us?”

“Sure. We, the jury, in the matter of this matter that we’ve been the jury for, find the defendant, Mr. Bigballsky, not guilty.”

“Good enough for me. Case dismissed.”

“Wait! How can you be so_”

“Mr. Fuckingguilty, it’s been a pleasure. Mr. Bigballsky, call me. I think I might have a job for you.”

“Right on, Mr. Whatever. And thank you once again for getting me off.”

“Whoa! What?”

“Er, I mean, for getting the jury to find me not guilty.”

“Oh, that. You’re welcome. Run along, kid. Take care. Bill’s in the mail. Now, Miss Deadweight, I think I might be in need your services tonight. You take dic……



…….tation, don’t you?”

“I sure do, Mr. Whatever.”

“How would you like to get a witness? I’m pretty sure Miss Personpenis is available.”

“Outstanding. Maybe we could get a look at the jury box.”

“Maybe, indeed. I’m pounding the gavel just thinking about it.”

“I can’t wait to see Exhibit A.”

“I can’t wait to hide my evidence.”

Court adjourned!


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