Space…bar. These are the voyages of the Starship Innerthighs. Its continuing mission: to seek out new shoes, and new pencil skirts. To boldly go where no one has found the good deals before.
Slutty, Lulu, Jackov, Awhora, Klique, Blondes and Spork, along with some other red-pants crew, are hurtling through space on a mission to explore a rift in space or disturbance or some other galactic bright shiny object.
“Lulu, what’s our position?”
“Well you’re standing, and Jackov and I are sitting, and Spork is sort of leaning, and-”
“In space, Lulu. You’re so pretty!”
“Thank you, Mistress!”
Klique and Spork look at each other and roll their eyes.
“What’s our position? The ship’s position, Lulu. What is it? Where are we? What’s our 411?”
“OH! Why didn’t you say so? We’re in the Ugg sector by Nippulus Prime, a huge rift in spacetime, Dexitron Five, Planet Vibr-”
“Wait – what was that second one?”
“Let’s see… a huge rift in spacetime?”
“OMG, girl! For real?”
“Mistress, I must urge you to investigate this rift immediately. I have heard about these. They can be very dangerous not to go to.”
“Why is that, Spork?”
“I know this one! There are four-dimensional malls inside them! Right, Spork?”
“That is correct, Jackov. It would be highly illogical to miss the good deals in a rift store.”
“Set a course, Ms. Sulu – thrusters only. Don’t want to miss a good parking space. I’m in heels!”
The Innerthighs slowly maneuvers into a prime parking spot. A Valetian appears.
“Hello, ladies. Would you like me to park this thing for you?”
“Great Sheena’s ghost – are ye sayin’ we canna park it ourselves because we’re women? Don’t make me take my shoes off!”
“Slutty! He’s just being helpful. We’d love for you to park it. Just don’t scratch it – okay, um….”
“My name is Will. And no, ma’am. I’m a professional.”
“What did you say? Did you just call me ‘ma’am’?”
“Yes but I… what do…I didn’t mean…I was just being…”
“Ladies, phasers on stun. Fire at Will!”
The crew fire their phasers at the hapless Valetian, who collapses instantly, and park the Innerthighs themselves. They are thrilled at all the shiny objects in the viewscreen.
“Spork – engage the distractor beam. I don’t want to be bothered with missions or important.. thingies…”
“I believe it is already on, Mistress. At least, this thingy appears to be doing the… what it…”
“Mistress! Where are we! I was conducting experiments on my… thing and… something happened where…. hey, look at that dress!”
“Mistress – incoming transmission from…some chick… ”
“Put them through, Awhora. Hail, whoever! What’s up?”
“Hey, ladies! Sale on shoes on Deck 54, and if you buy two pairs, you get one free! And we just got some special purses over on the promenade.”
“This rift store always has the best stuff! Awhora, Jackov, Lulu, Slutty – form a no way team and explore this store. Blondes, Spork – you’re with me.”
“No way! We never get to go anywhere! Cool!”
Awhora, Jackov, Lulu and Slutty are beamed down by the transporter room. Suddenly, a red-shirted transporter room tech clutches her chest, and dies.
“Blondes, can you do something? Save her! Or at least separate that top and that skirt – they have no business being near each other.”
“Dammit, Jen, I’m a doctor, not the next top model! I just need a little black dress, some smart shoes and a couple of accessories and I am fine!”
“Doctor, it is highly illogical to have shoes and not also have a purse and a belt. Might I suggest a tiger print?”
“Spork! Are you out of your Vulvan mind? Tiger prints are for old women!”
“I fail to see the inconsistency in my logic.”
“Damn you, Spork! Your green blood is about to clash with my brass knuckles!”
“Transporter room, beam us down, Blondes on a two-second delay.”
“Aye aye, Mistress.” After beaming the trio down, there is an oddly localized explosion and a transporter technician wearing a red blouse dies.
Klique and Spork arrive two seconds before Blondes, which is plenty of time for Spork to apply her Vulvan Death Slip. Blondes falls unconscious, top open, paparazzi snapping photos furiously, before she wakes up.
“What happened? I was ready to… um… Look at that dress!” Blondes rushes off into the bowels of the rift store.
“Spork, I sometimes wonder about her.”
“As do I, Mistress. She often has quite a lot of currency, yet she never seems to purchase me anything.”
“I know, right? She’s a trust fund whore.”
“Fascinating. I concur with that assessment.”
“Especially the whore part.”
“I hope the ship is okay, and we don’t get interrupted by a mission… thing where we have to do… something… shoes. And this belt matches!”
“Slutty! My credit limit is low. Can’t you do something?”
“Ah, you’re breaking up shhkkhhhhkhh Mistress can’t hear shhkhkkhkhkh out of range shkhshsksskh…”
“Dammit, SporkI I can’t hold out much longer. Must… have shoes. And… belt. Must…coordinate… accessories… must…”
“Understood, Mistress. I will purchase these items with my veridium card. If I were completely human, I might say “agolddiggersayswhat?””