Starship Innerthighs: Good Spirits

Space…a place for questions. These are the voyages of the Starship InnerThighs. Its continuing mission: to seek out new answers, and new stupid questions. To boldly ask what no one has asked before.

Slutty, Lulu, Jackov, Awhora, Klique, Blondes and Spork, along with some other red-tighted space goths, are spiriting through space on a mission to detect an anomaly or a ghost or some other galactic bright shiny object.

“Are we ready for this, Blondes? How does this look? It’s not every day a girl has her 29th birthday, you know.”
“Yeah, just once a year for the past 4 years.”
“What did you say?”
“I said I’m a doctor, not a fashion consultant… but I’ll schedule an eye exam, because stripes and polka dots together? With animal prints and a scarf? Seriously? Did you dress during power-down? Exactly how much have you had to-”
“Mistress, it’s up on the screen.”
“What’s on screen?”
“The board.”
“Good work, Lulu. Where’s that thingy? That plastic thingy?”
“Thingy, Mistress?”
“The Thingy! You know, that moves around?”
“Planchette?”
“What does Lord of the Rings have to do with this?”
“That’s Blanchett.”
“Oh, right, sorry. Where is it?”
“Right here, Mistress. You just hold it like this, and… no wait, you don’t..”
“It’s so hard to see with this thing on! Good thing there’s a hole for my face. Okay, what do I do now.”
“Mistress, I must object to you doing this. It is highly illogical. It is well known that any obtained result comes from ideomotor -”
“Blah de blah, Spork-o-potamus. Speaking of liquor, hit me up, Slutty!”
“Aye, Mistress, I’m pouring as fast as I can, but that’s all she’s got!”
“Then what’s that over there?”
“That’s my cup. It may look like a bottle, but no, it’s my cup.”
“Mistress, we’re being hailed.”
“Put ’em through, Awhora! Hey, who the hell is this?”
“Young lady, this is the sector authorities. Lower your shields so that we may board at once.”
“Oh, my, I’m in trouble now. Ha ha! Jackov, lower the shields and let ’em on!”
“Yes, Mistress, but how do you know-”
“Jackov, better do as she says. Mistress knows best, and I invited them anyway.”
“You… invited them? OH! Gotcha. Sector authorities. Nice, Slutty.”
“Aye. Transporter room, beam them aboard. Right to the bridge.”

Sector authorities appear on the bridge, and the entire crew does a double-take. Followed by sector authorities doing a double-take. To a man, they are staring at Mistress Klique. And trying not to laugh.
“Well, boys, are you here to take me?”
“We’re here to inspect *snicker* the ship, for, uh, improper, um, disturbances.”
“Occurrences *giggle*”
“Right, occurrences. I think I see a few violations already.” The two guys burst out laughing.
“Like what, officer?”
“Like… that hat!”
“Boys, a word.” Slutty pulls them over to the side. “Now, boys, you need to just do your jobs.”
“But… she looks like a grandmother from Ya-Ya Sisterhood!” They all start laughing again.
“Aye, that’s true, but she gets like this every year. You know, every 29th birthday, if you catch my drift.”
“Right. How many 29th birthdays has she had? 18?”‘
“Just do the dance and tease!”
“Okay, jeez.”

The two turn to Klique, somehow maintaining composure.
“Mistress Klique, I thought I told you to drop shields.”
“I did, officer!”
“You haven’t dropped all of them!”
The two guys begin stripping and dancing, ripping off their pants and circling her and the other ladies. Spork is mortified, but the other ladies are rocking out.
“Wooooooo hoooooooo!”
“I feel like committing an intergalactic offense!”
“Let me violate your heavenly body!”
“Unwise.”
“Damned green-perioded Vulvan!”
“Show us your phaser! Is it stunning?”
“No, fire your photon torpedo while I drop my shields!”
“Come over here and give me an incoming transmission!”
“I want to see your alien wessel!”
“He’s endowed, Jen.”
“Jim Beam me up, Slutty!”
“Aye, I can take a lot more of this. Keep giving me all you’ve got!”
“You’re way hotter than those strippers on Keeping Up With the Cardassians.”
“Set a course for the center of my body. Whorep Factor 8! Or maybe 9! Engage!”

Eventually, they ran out of clever puns, and the sector authorities arrested one of the red-tights crew for selling fake Romulan hairpieces. They were actual sector authorities. Slutty had just offered them too much cash to pass up.
“Now, let’s do that thing. Punch it up, Lulu!”
“On screen, Mistress. Still.”
Mistress Klique, drunk as a skunque, wearing the most outlandish clothes and hat, plus the planchette, climbed on the library ladder Slutty had rigged up and closed her eyes.
“Okay, I’ll ask now. Giant Ouija board, where is my one true love?” She began moving all over the board, from side to side, up and down, occasionally stopping, while the other girls shouted out the letters. When she stopped moving, they told her what the letters spelled out.
“Casein Room? Who the hell is that? Do any of you know?”
“I’ve never heard of him. It sounds like a half Human half Andorran bartender. Jackov, what was that bartender’s name at the Blue Thumb?”
“I think it was Pene di Grandi.”
“Blondes, what about the guy at the gym?”
“Dammit, Jen, I’m a doctor, not a directory.”
“I’ll scratch your eyes out if you don’t tell me right now!”
“I just remembered! His name was Mangio Caccole.”

Just then, everyone heard a tiny chuckle. They looked over at Spork, who had no expression whatsoever.
“Why, Spork, you Vulvan comedian. Are you actually laughing?”
“No, Doctor. Merely an involuntary reaction to the results of Mistress’ experiment.”
“Would you mind telling everyone what’s so damned funny?”
“I do not experience humor. However, I will reveal the meaning of your name. Your one true love is Casein Room. Case. In. Room. The case in your room. Which as everyone knows is where you keep your-”
“Vibrator!”
“NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO-”
“Illogical, Mistress. You have expressed to me on many an occasion that-”
“-OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO – well, maybe. It has never let me down, or done me wrong, or cheated on me. It has always been good to me. OH MY GOD! Ouija board, you are amazing! Girls, you’ve got to try this! Who wants to be next?”
“Right here!”
“Me!”
“I do!”

While the other ladies fought over who would be next, Spork talked with Slutty.
“You do not actually believe in the validity of this device, do you, Slutty? It is highly illogical.”
“Aye, I believe in it with all my heart. The spirits guide the user.”
“This is simply not possible.”
“It is, Spork.”
“So you believe the spirits guide you?”
“Aye! Just not the kind that float around and say ‘boo’. Drink?”
“Fascinating. And yes.”
“That’s the spirit!”

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