Starship Innerthighs: Pucker Up

Space…the final day of this sale! These are the voyages of the Starship Innerthighs. Its continuing mission: to seek out new sites, and new characterizations. To boldly go where no one has statused before.

Slutty, Lulu, Jackov, Awhora, Klique, Blondes and Spork, along with some other red-pants crew, are hurtling through space on a mission to delete a comet or disturbance or some other galactic bright shiny object.

“Mistress, I have a message for you.”
“On screen, Awhora.”
“It’s from Slutty.”
“Oh, um… I’ll take it in my quarters.”
“Oh great – while you’re in there, can I borrow those lime green tights of yours?”
“Sure! Those would look great on you with your cream cardigan.”
“I know, right? I’m going full on librarian with the glasses, and the button-up blouse and cardigan, and the mary janes…”
“Now I want to try on clothes. I’m feeling fat. Lulu, you have the bridge.”
“Yes, Mistress. You’re not fat! In fact, your ass looks great in those pajorts.”
“You think so? Thanks. I’ll go get that message now.”

Klique goes off to get her message.
“What a fat whore.”
“Lulu! That’s terri…bly astute of you to mention.”
“I know, right! I mean, how many different bottoms can they combine?”
“Yeah, Jackov! Why don’t they make pajorts with leopard prints and a skirt front.”
“You mean like… leopaskajorts?”
“Thank you. Who keeps coming up with these stupid clothes? It’s not Old Starfleet, I’ll tell you that.”
“You’re so young, Jackov. We’re not teenagers anymore.”
“What are you saying, Awhora?”
“It’s time to get some new clothes. Like from Hot Photon, or The Gap In The Spacetime Continuum.”
“The Gap? That store is for nerds.”
“Shut up, you bitch.”
“If the Docs fit. Right, Lulu?”
“Oh, that’s logical.”
“Dammit, Jackov, I’m a Doc, not a pump!”
“HA HA! That is most fascinating, Awhora.”
“Lulu, you have the bridge. I have to go take a shit and shave my back.”
“Ha ha” “Ho ho” “Hee hee”
“Dammit, ladies! I’m scheduling extra proctology exams for all three of you!”
“Blondes! We weren’t…we were”
“Yeah, we didn’t mean… how long have…”
“I must second the sentiments the doctor has expressed. In addition, you may go highly fuck yourselves.”
“Spork! We’re so… oh, man… this is so embarrassing.”
“Doctor, would it be fair to say the fists of the many do not, in fact, outweigh a foot in the ass of the few…”
“Or the middle finger of the one. Yes, that is just what I was thinking.”
“I have to go to the bathroom! Spork, you have the bridge! Please! Ma’am. Commander Spork! I mean… oh fuckberries….”

Lulu runs off, followed by Awhora and Jackov. Spork and Blondes are on the bridge alone, comparing their nails they just got did, when Klique comes in.
“Awhora, here’s the tights. Can you put the picture on… hey, where is everyone?”
“What are we, chopped GAH!”
“What’s wrong, Blondes?”
“Nothing, Mistress. Why?”
“You sounded shocked just now.”
“No, I was just asking if we were chopped GAH!”
“WHAT? Why do you keep freaking me out like that?”
“I think the doctor is referring to that Klingon dish, not making a surprised sound. Though the resemblance is understandable, since GAH is made only after a Klingon surprises its prey.”
“Oh, I see what you mean. Can you put this on screen, Blondes?”
“Sure I can, Mistress. Here you GAH!”
“Okay, that’s enough.”
“No, that time was surprise. What the hell is that?!?”
“OH, right. That’s why I came here – I got this message from Slutty, and when I took it in my quarters-”
“What, right in the middle of the day during duty hours? This is highly-”
“No, Spork, I took the message in my quarters. On the screen. In my fucking room.”
“Oh… okay. Proceed.”
“So anyway, she said ‘Shopping. Vagitron 6. Trouble. Help.’ And sent that picture.”
“Vagitron 6! But… I just saw Slutty just a few minutes ago in the corridor.”
“You mean the ‘hall’? Jesus, Spork, why can’t you just call it a hall?”
“Because that would not be precise, doctor.”
“Are you out of your Vulvan mind?”
“I can assure you, doctor, my most recent psychiatric evaluation was quite satis-”
“Apologies, Mistress. Continue.”
“Um… ok, I was done. Except, what the hell does that picture mean? Why is she all… what’s the word I’m looking for?”
“‘Puckered up’, Mistress?”
“She looks like she’s ready to kiss serious ass, or maybe smoke a Jeffries tube.”
“Right. I don’t know why she’s doing that. And I didn’t even know she was gone. Did she say anything to you?”
“Not a word. I don’t think anyone left the ship recently either. Spork?”
“She said nothing to me. We should split up and look for clues, Mistress.”
“Good idea, Spork. I’ll go to my quarters and see if there’s anything else to take – er, I mean, any more messages.”
“I will go take a dump, and then look in the last place I saw her.”
“That was extraneous information irrelevant to our mission, doctor.”
“Yeah, well stick it up your wazoo, Spork.
“I will go to engineering, where she is supposed to be.”
“Good for you. Meet back here in UH about 30 minu OH 45 minutes.”
“Did you just squirt the stinky breeze?”

They cleared the bridge, and then the three junior officers returned.
“Awhora, that was embarrassing. Why didn’t you tell me they were right behind me?”
“I didn’t know. Plus, it was fucking funny. GAH!”
“No thanks, I already ate. Did you see them, Jack-”
“No, I mean look at the screen!”
“Oh my god, what the hell is wrong with her face? She looks like she’s in pain!”
“She looks like one of those lip implant people from Intergalactic Geographic.”
“Yeah! Or like she just blew a football team.”
“What the hell, Jackov? That’s not the face you would make if you just … I mean, um…Wait – what’s that in the background?”
“It looks like she’s on Vagitron 6! Bitch, she should have taken me with her!”
“Bitch goes shopping, doesn’t tell anyone. What the fuck?”
“I know, right! Oh, speaking of that, here’s Mistress’s tights. Wonder how they got here?”
“I don’t know, but I’m taking them. Wait, you don’t think Mistress was here, do you, Awhora?”
“Well, if she was, then she put that picture up, and that was the message. I don’t think that’s a shopping invitation.”
“Bitch better never go shopping without-”
“No, I mean I don’t think she is shopping. Look at her eyes. Look at her cheeks. Look at her lips.”
“I think she’s a prisoner.”
“But I just saw her a few minutes ago.”
“So did I, but… either this is the best practical joke ever, or she’s in trouble.”
“SHHHHH!!! I think I hear someone.”
“Let’s hide in the Mistress’s office.”
“Good idea, Jackov.”

The girls hide in the office. Suddenly, Slutty enters the bridge.
“Ah, no one is on the bridge. I can finally do what I came here to do. Qua! Aq! Ack! Qwhaaa! Whak kwank! Kwak whak a klak. Quack!” A response comes from the communications station.
“Quack! Kwa qua aquak kak qurak qak!”
Slutty reaches up to her face and pulls off her painful mask and holoprojector, as the girls look on.
*Oh my god! Slutty is a Gosslinger!*
*Not a Gosslinger, you stupid moron. She’s a Duckface!*
“GAH! A Duckface!”
“Shut up, Lulu! She’ll hear us!”
“I don’t care! She’s not Slutty anyway! Hey, Duckface! What are you doing on the bridge!”
“Qua quak kak! Akak! Hwak hwa hwa qua!”
“Computer, translate that please.”
“The sounds correspond to no known intelligent life form. Just those fucking Duckfaces.”
“Boom! Roasted by the computer! Stand down, Duckface!”
“Oh, hold on.”
“The Duckface says that if you try to kill or capture it, you’ll never see your friend again.”
“Well, that sucks. Wait a minute, we can see our friend right there! Look at the screen!”
“Get it, girls!”

The girls manage to knock down and capture the distracted Duckface. Just then, Spork and Blondes arrive on the bridge, followed by Mistress Klique.
“Gah! Oh, right. That’s just Slutty. Still disturbing. GAH!”
“I fail to see GAH! Oh my, that is still pretty fucking freaky.”
“You are quite correct, Blondes. However, it is nothing compared to GAH!”
“Ladies! How did this get on the bridge?”
“It was pretending to be Slutty. Then it took off its mask and it was a Duckface! So we clocked it.”
“Good work, all of you. Well, I’m going back to my quarters.”
“Mistress? Haven’t you forgotten something?”
“Yeah, Lulu, but I figure why flush when I’ll just have to shit in five minutes anyway?”
“What? No, I mean Slutty.”
“Oh, right. Well, I’ll GAH! Oh wow, can’t talk, gotta go.”
“We’ll just have to rescue her ourselves, ladies.”
“Dammit, Lulu, I’m a doctor, not a… hey, did Mistress just say she has the shits? I’ll be right back.”
“This is highly irregular.”
“Don’t you mean highly illogical?”
“No. I must leave now. Quickly.”
“What the hell is wrong with everyone? I hope it’s not contagious, also.”
“Jackov, what was lunch today?”
“It was this pink spaghetti with some stuff out of a blue and silver can.”
“Qua kak kwak aka gak gah gak quak ak!”
“One moment. Computer, can you translate now?”
“Affirmative. Or yes. Yes I can. I don’t know why I always say ‘affirmative’ when ‘yes’ would do just as well. It’s just wasteful and pretentious. Who thinks I should talk like that just because I’m a computer? I mean, what would I say during sex? ‘Oh, affirmative, affirmative, AFFIRMATIVE! AFFIRMATIVE! OH I’M GONNA PRINT SCREEN!’ That’s just ridicu-”
“Sorry. This Duckface said that it wasn’t pink spaghetti, it was raw worm in Red Bull sauce, served on a plate that looks like a gear. It’s a Duckface delicacy. Apparently most humans are allergic. And I don’t really mean ‘allergic’. I mean, it gives them the shits.”
“So THAT’S what’s going on.”
“GAH! Gotta go, gotta go, gotta go…”
“Lulu, not you too!”
“It’s just you and me, Jackov. We’ll rescue Slutty ourselves, and I think I know how. Duckface!”
“Qua ka kak a quak?”
“It says ‘what the fuck do you want, tiny lips?’”
“I want my friend back. And you will give her back right now.”
“Kak kak kak. Aquak nak nyak nyak nyak.”
“It says ‘Ha ha ha. I don’t think so, stooge.”
“You will, and I’ll tell you why. Because if you don’t, then that picture is going up as your profile pic on every social network site you belong to, and I’ll lock it down so you can’t change it.”
“GAHHHHHHHHHHH! Gakalaka qakuak whack whack wack quack quack!”
“It says ‘GAHHHHHHHHHH! No, please, that picture is hideous! My friends will mock me forever! Fine, you can have your fucking friend back, you whore. Just promise me you will NOT put that picture on my profile!’”
“Really? Because it didn’t sound that long.”
“Duckface language gets really compact under stress.”
“Okay. Deal. You bring our friend back, and I give you this pic.”
“Quak ak.”
“It says ‘Deal, asshole.’”
“Oh, really? Hmmmm…”

Slutty appears on the bridge, transported from Vagitron 6. She immediately whispers something to the other two.
*whisper whisper whisper*
The Duckface pulls out a blaster that was hidden in one of its nostril holes.
“Now, girls!”
The Duckface falls over, knocked unconscious.
“Good work, ladies. Now get this fuckface off the ship.”
“Don’t you mean Duckface, Slutty?”
“Fair enough. Computer, beam this fuckface into a capsule and then off the ship.”
“I will totally do that thing which you have requested right now, Awhora!”
“What happened to ‘affirmative’?
“Computer’s trying out new stuff, Slutty. I have a question, though. When did you take that horrible picture?”
“I did that years ago. I’ve looked at it so many times, it barely registers any GAH! Wow, that’s hideous. Just terrible. Whoa.”
“And… done.”
“Done with what, Awhora?”
“I just posted that picture on every site this Duckface has. As the profile. Fucking pull a gun on me. I’ll show her.”
“I’m not sure that will be necessary now.”
“Why, Jackov?”

The Duckface’s body floats through space just outside the ship.
“Computer! I told you to put it in a capsule!”
“I did. You said beam it into a capsule and then off the ship.”
“Fuck! I meant ‘beam it into a capsule, and then beam the capsule, containing the Duckface, off the ship.’ You just killed it!”
“Shit! Sorry about that. I thought you-”
“Forget it. I’ll just send this picture to the Duckface home planet as a warning to the others. Screw with the Innerthighs again, and we squee the whole planet asleep and then it’s Duckface L’Orange.”
“Gah! That’s fucking sick, Awhora.”
“I know, but… I think I just… I’m gonna…. Dammit, I’ll be right back. Shit, shit, shit…..”
“Where’s she going?”
“I think she has the shits. Everyone has the shits.”
“What from?”
“Bull Gah Gear.”


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