Le Pick Up Artiste

Is it hot in here or is it just you? You have a thermometer app on your phone? Oh, well that’s actually not bad. It’s quite comfortable in here. Or is it just you? Are you comfortable? In here? Wanna go outside? No, I don’t smoke. Not even after sex. Well, actually, I’ve never looked. But I always use plenty of lube, so probably not.

You wanna go back to my place? Or yours? You wanna get outta here? Wait! I mean with me! Wait up! Wait for – okay, that’s fine. I was more interested in your friend anyway. No, dude, not you. Her. Can you get us some drinks? And then drink them yourself over there? Great. Hey baby, I thought they’d never leave. Now we can be alone. It’s just you and me, and 250 other people sitting all around us and dancing. But just ignore all of them. Well, all the dudes. If you see any women you like, let me know.

Here, lean back. I’ll give you a massage. Massage, and rub down. I also offer free breast exams. No, seriously – I took a course on them. I can tell you… no? Okay, but I hope you don’t die of breast cancer. Well, of course I wouldn’t do it here. There’s a lot of people around, and some of them would look. I mean, most of them would be looking at those hot chicks over there, and those 5 chicks in the cages, and those two making out, and your friend, but at least a few would look at you, so I understand if you wouldn’t want me doing it here. How about in my car? Or yours, because I took the bus here. Unless you want me to do it on the bus? No? Okay, your car it is, then. What? You’re leaving? Well, can you get me a beer on the way back? Thanks. I will never forget you, Sarah. That’s what I said, Shelley. It’s hard to hear in this place.

Hey, how are YOU? I saw you across this crowded room, and I just had to come over here and say hello. I don’t know why, but I’m drawn to you, like we were meant to be together. I can’t explain it. I’m not even going to try, because I’m really really drunk. Besides, you can’t explain destiny. Unless Destiny’s one of the cage dancers – that I could totally explain. Are you feeling me? I mean, I felt something on my thigh. It could just be the pipe I’m swinging. What do you mean, what pipe? I’m a grower, not a show-er, but you could sit in my lap and talk about the first thing that pops up. FUCK! Okay, now I definitely felt something on my thigh, and my lap and my legs, and it’s cold. But hey, bitch, I guess this drink’s on me.

Hi ladies – how are you doing this fine evening? Lovely. Me too. I just wanted to tell you that I’ve been trying to decide all night which of the two of you is the hottest in the club, but I just can’t decide. Do you mind if I declare it a tie? You get to share the prize, which is a hot night with me. I can understand if you – WHAT? You’re into it? That’s awesome! I mean, yeah ladies, it’s like that and junk. Do I want to what? Arm wrestle? Well, I don’t want to hurt you. Seriously? Well, okay, if that’s what you’re into. Both at the same time? Yeah, this is you and me later, amirite? Right. Huh? Fuck off, I’m busy. Dude, fuck off! What! Fuck. Ladies, will you excuse me for a minute? I got to take care of this asshole, and then we can leave and take the party back to your place. I’m buying. Sound good? Sealed with a kiss? Awww, two kisses each. With tongue? You ladies are so hot. We are gonna have some fun tonight. Alright. One sec. What the fucking holy fuck is your problem dude? Can’t you see I’m – what? No, I’m not gay. Are you fucking kidding me? I’m with two of the hottest… What do you mean, kissing dudes? They’re not dudes! Adam’s apples – look you moron, they don’t have… scars? Check for… whatever, hang on. Hey ladies, those guys bet they could guess your perfumes, so I’m just gonna smell you, breathe it in… okay, be right back. Yeah, dude, they both had tiny little scars. So what? What, did you date one of them before? What do you mean, you played football with one of them? To remove their… The scars are from… And they… HOLY SHIT THEY’RE TRANSSEXUALS? I’ve been kissing GUYS this whole time? Wait – everyone in the club is… no, just them? Whew, thank god I was just making out with two g – I WAS MAKING OUT WITH TWO GUYS! OMG! I’m gonna be sick. Barmaid, give me 2 shots of spearmint schnapps, and keep them coming. I’ve got a lot of vomiting to do, and I want my breath to be as fresh as possible after I hurl.

Say, do you get off soon? Really? Well, would you like to get off soon?

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46 thoughts on “Le Pick Up Artiste”

      1. Yes, maybe, if you say so, but picking up men is serious business. As is most everything.
        And have you ever yp tried to do anything? Even more serious

        Liked by 1 person

    1. The truth is, you’re mentally challenging, and your typos just mean you’re not a perfectionist. I like your existence. That is a weird thing to say and read, but it’s still true. 😊

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          1. I think things changed for me once I began writing in text, social meadia and then in blog comments, prior to that it was school or I had the ability to spend appropriate time proof reading.
            Now it’s not productive or prudent to conversation to spend the time I might otherwise doing so. My brain has afflictions already so I had to let it go and accept that perfection is unattainable or I’d go more crazy than I already am. No one wants that. So this is what we have. Me. Lol

            Liked by 1 person

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