El Pick Up Artisto

Ah, it smells like “Want Me” in here, don’t you think? Hey, this must be the library because I’m checking you out – and we’re overdue for some lovin’. What do you mean, you’ve already been checked out? Girl, I use the Do Me Decimal System! Oh, you’re closed? Okay.

Hey, ladies! Been watching the Olympics? You could be gymnasts, you know – we can do some synchronized floor exercises. Or if you want, we can do the 100 minute breast stroke. What do you mean, I’m disqualified? I’ve been training for four years! Synchronized leaving? Okay.

Oh yeah, baby! Shake what your mama gave you! Your mom is dead? Sorry, I didn’t know. She must have left you good looks and great moves in her will. And where there’s a will, there’s a way, baby! Amirite? What’s that? It’s hard to hear in this place. I didn’t catch the beginning of that, but the end sounded like “and die.” Were you talking about your mom again?

Hey, wanna know a secret? Just keep it to myself? Okay, good idea. You know, you’re the hottest girl in the club! In this part of the club, anyway. Like, this section over here, starting with the palm tree, then past the smoke machine and to the men’s room door, and then over there, and back to here – you are the hottest woman here! Or possibly second, because that one girl is pretty close to the line. Where is an Olympic tennis judge when you need one! But you’d take the silver, at least! So what do you say we go make our own event. How about some handball? No? Nude wrestling? What’s that – menstrual cycling? Um… I’ll be right back with two drinks – for me. Wait right here! I’ll be…

Whew! Hey, buddy, what’s up. I swear, bitches and their periods, you know? What are you gonna… OH! Sorry, lady. I didn’t see your…ladyness. It must be the lights, or the smoke, or the fact that I’m not attracted to you in any way. But your friend is really hot! Can you introduce… OH! Sorry, dude. I thought you were a… hey, you two wouldn’t be a couple, would you? You’re perfect for each other, in that you’re completely wrong for literally everyone else.

Hi there! I lost my number – can I have yours? What? Actually I DID know that numbers were portable. Basic math? Yeah, baby – let’s divide your legs and multiply… I’m pretty good at… well with a 10 digit number, that’s one billion possible… So you think I should just choose a new number, then?

What’s up? Listen, is your mom a thief? Because she must have stolen the stars from the sky and put them in… She’s in prison for embezzlement? GODDAMMIT! Well, at least she’s not dead like this other girl’s… thanks, I was kind of hot anyway. Do you know where the men’s room is, because I need to get a paper towel. Hey, this drink’s on me! How can you forget to laugh? I can remind you if you… it’s over there? Okay, thanks.



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