Coffee: The Pick Up Artist Walk Of Shame

Oh coffee. Coffee, coffee, coffee. Coffee. How I love your hotness, your brewericity, your brown rich bitterness. How I love the way you run down my throat like strongly caffeinated blood down a groggy vampire’s chin. You lift the fog, and tear away the curtains of my mind. Your sweetness, your creaminess, the way you feel in my hands, the way you warm my mug… sometimes your heat is too much for me to bear, and I must get a paper sleeve to handle you. Assistance from wood pulp to help me sip the warm juice of the bean!

The pain of last night, the demon rum, or PBR, or whatever I took from whoever gave it to me that led to whoever was in this bed last night that turned into a much uglier and fatter version of whoever that was this morning… Coffee, you chase it away. You give me an excuse to leave the room. You give me an excuse to leave the house, upon realizing I am not at my house and I have no idea where I am at. I must simply state that I am going to get you, and this is the password that leads to freedom. Freedom, and sweet brown warm go-juice! Freedom to pretend this is NOT a walk of shame, but a journey towards winning!

Those scientists in thier ivory towers say that your chocolate-colored adrenaline will not end the heartache and headache of the distilled spirits – but I know what I feel. I feel love, love for the growing warmth and comfort and calm that comes from sipping from a ceramic container of you, and your friends sugar and cream, of course. You are too strong even for a shaking husk of a man in sore need of window cleaner on his beer goggles, in sore need of hydration and in grave need of two or seven headache pills. Pills have the caffeine – sure they do. But it’s not the same as the sweet creamy bitterness that leaks down into my stomach and warms me from the inside more than any pretender based on chocolate or apple could ever do.

Coffee, I love you. You know of tea. Tea is hot and comforting, in a sense, but for different reasons. Tea chats with me and has a civil conversation in the afternoon. Tea is for elegance and zen. But you… you make me come alive with power, not only in the morning, but any time of day, after any meal. You are life itself. You are love…

You are special.


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