Guy Does That Thing

  • There’s a guy – name isn’t important
  • He is holding a can of paint
  • (You’re not supposed to know that it’s a gallon yet)
  • He is staring at a huge white pristine wall
  • He removes a brush from his pocket
  • He brushes his teeth, which is a red herring
  • He pulls a gun from his pocket
  • His pocket is large enough to hold a bowling ball
  • It could also hold a water balloon
  • He fires the gun at the wall
  • It is a soaker-type water gun, fully powered
  • It is connected to the paint can via a hose
  • It is capable of depleting the can in 30 minutes
  • The can holds one gallon of paint
  • It is salmon-colored
  • The paint, not the gun
  • Or the pocket
  • He mutters some gibberish
  • He takes out a water balloon from his pocket
  • He throws the water balloon at the wall
  • It hits the wall and explodes
  • Paint goes everywhere within a neat circle
  • It’s aqua
  • The balloon, not the paint, which is gold
  • A wide circular hole appears in the wall
  • He steps through it
  • Two seconds later, a large moose falls from the sky
  • It hits right where he had been standing
  • Moose juice sprays everywhere
  • It doesn’t hit him either, for some reason
  • He takes out a device
  • He speaks a word
  • It is an ancient word meaning “the plural of moose”
  • That word is lost to most people
  • It is dangerous
  • It is a power word
  • Same with the ancient word meaning “the plural of deer”
  • Somehow he knows it, though
  • Only a few people in the world know it
  • Not the people who dropped a moose on him
  • It was a failed attempt at irony
  • They should have dropped two or more moose
  • These people are bad
  • If for no other reason than you have identified with the guy
  • And have subconsciously taken his side
  • He might be the bad guy for all you know
  • But he’s not
  • Anyway
  • When he does that the hole in the wall closes
  • The paint goes away
  • It could go into a different dimension
  • But it doesn’t
  • It just goes back into the can
  • That isn’t as exciting
  • Then again the guy just nearly got hit by a moose
  • That is right up there on the exciting scale
  • Just under nearly being hit by two moose
  • And just above nearly being hit by two water balloons
  • The guy sighs a sigh of relief
  • He is powerful but alone
  • Other than all his friends who know ancient words
  • You may be thinking “what do the words do when you say them?”
  • Well, the one word can close up a wall and strip paint off of it
  • He’d have to say it again for me to see what else the word can do
  • It just so happens he does say it again
  • A robot pigeon appears
  • The guy seems surprised
  • I don’t know if that means he didn’t expect the word to do that
  • Or if he did, just not a pigeon, or not a robot
  • I’m not sure
  • The guy speaks a few words into the pigeon’s ear, which has extended out
  • It’s a microphone, actually
  • And the robot pigeon flies out of the room
  • Unlike a real pigeon, who would not be bright enough to find its way out
  • The guy waits 22 minutes
  • *22 minutes later*
  • A large box appears
  • Not a cardboard box
  • More like a refrigerator box, or something else equally large
  • It is also made of metal, and has electronics all over it
  • The guy does something to the box
  • A door opens
  • The guy is apparently very good at opening things
  • He opened a checking account earlier in the week, for example
  • He had to use a special word for that, too
  • Just not a magical ancient power word
  • It was the name of his first girlfriend, with 21 at the end
  • You will never guess his girlfriend’s name
  • She was actually a guy with a completely different name
  • That’s most of the reason they broke up
  • The rest of the reason being that she was kind of a bitch
  • Despite actually being a man
  • The guy steps into the machine and closes the door
  • We can assume that he does something in there
  • Something crafty, or sly, something to protect himself
  • Something to keep the evil away
  • We hear a flushing sound
  • I don’t think what he was doing had anything to do with evil
  • I think he may have temporarily forgotten about the bad people
  • In fact, I think he used an amazing amount of technology, magic and power
  • Just so he could relieve himself
  • He steps out of the box and closes the door
  • The box disappears
  • Outside, the moose disappears
  • The moose juice disappears
  • It looks as though nothing had happened at all
  • Though it has
  • Because, just scroll up and you can see something did
  • Plus, I saw everything
  • That’s how I’m telling you
  • I can see everything this guy does
  • Unless he’s in that electronic refrigerator box
  • You see, I know some ancient words too
  • For example, everyone thinks the plural of ‘mouse’ is ‘mice’
  • But it isn’t
  • The actual plural of ‘mouse’ is
  • Whoops
  • I nearly gave that one away
  • That would have sucked after all this time
  • I’ve kept that to myself for so long
  • I wouldn’t want to reveal that
  • Just like I wouldn’t want to reveal that the guy was actually bad
  • Or that I am the one who chucked the moose at him
  • Or that the water balloon was filled with urine
  • Or that I made the guy call the box to keep him from doing something
  • Which was counterattacking
  • Or that a subtle change to the box made him forget the ancient magical power words he knew
  • Because we couldn’t have people just running around knowing that stuff
  • Could we?
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14 thoughts on “Guy Does That Thing”

  1. I remember reading this. Then what? Why didn’t I like it? I must have been distracted. You should re share this one. With all the other ones I think you should re share. I so love it. And now your recent comment section is going to be monochromatic. Sorrynotsorry.

    Liked by 1 person

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