That’s not an illusion, I’m actually burning

​Here is the test to find whether your mission on Earth is finished: if you’re alive, it isn’t. 

– Richard Bach

It’s hard to communicate with someone who has different expectations of me than of everyone else. I must perform, and display, and self-correct. Read a mind that sees in black and white. Do what I’m told, and what I’m not, and anticipate every desire and need. How do people let themselves  get into these situations?

The incident was clear-cut
She is gone, they’re both gone.
My chance to break the cycle
Break it
Break it down
Get out of this
Get out of it
Let that go
Try, strive for life
Surface and breathe
Take it all in and live
Taken away, but for that one silver strand
That didn’t quite engage

She left, taking her daughter with her, and our child growing within. Our daughter. Mine, since she was four. This relationship carried a warning label, and had no antidote. This relationship was toxic and poisoned the earth. This marriage was dredging the harbor for bodies from the parking lot of the courthouse. My sunglasses allowed me to stare directly down the tunnel, while she dangled light and took it away repeatedly. I was Tantalus, staring at her reflection and her image at once, never able to reach inside.

Stay, stay behind
Eat, sleep, drink, smoke, play, repeat
Troubled mind
Troubled, apathy like a hypodermic needle to the chest
Bringing me to life long enough
To pull my own plug

Three weeks later, the phone call. I’m already blown up, but I had no idea. It’s serious. From 1800 miles away, she says our baby has passed on. I’m destroyed. My atoms are collected somehow, long enough to sit in a room and hold her hand while our son is born. I’m not there. I’m inside myself, hiding in a corner of my mind, door locked, refusing to come out, knowing this isn’t the worst I’ll feel. The closest we came to love, came at the lowest possible time, in a year that saw the towers fall.

Did I ride the outside of the plane?
How did I get here, and get back
And get outside my own skin to this place
Scorched earth, salted, where nothing grows
I wanted to scream
But no one said a word

Six weeks of death. The despair of wanting to be surrounded, and wanting to be left alone. How many times I got in my car and drove in a random direction, only to turn around and fall back into my misery. A rare occurrence, since no one would let me drive. I should have stayed there. I should have…

I missed her torture and animosity
I loved her wicked blade buried in my back
I fantasized about her sitting on my chest
Snuffing out my life with her promises and smiles
The poison that burned my throat
All for a noble cause
What a fucking crusader

An exit ramp, but I didn’t take it. I went back, because I didn’t want to be yet another father who left that little girl. A misguided missile. An errant erroneous error, committed blatantly and willingly. I shouldn’t have gone back. Both of us would have been fine. I wouldn’t have slept my life away, only to emerge, hungry and tired. I emerged, stupid and magnetic, attracting all the suffering, repelling all the love.

I can’t. Not anymore. I have some things to do. Like living.



16 thoughts on “That’s not an illusion, I’m actually burning”

    1. Thank you. It happened quite a while ago, obviously, but… I never seem to have taken it out and dealt with it, much less discussed it with Herself. The point of this, which I didn’t really state, is that this happened with no healing of any sort ever. No closure, no commiseration, no mutual support, and not because I didn’t want to or try to.

      Liked by 1 person

      1. It sounds very traumatic and sad… the kind of thing that will feel better once it is taken out and looked at (I hope). But I can imagine that will be very difficult. You do seem to me to be the kind of person that would try. I’m sorry you weren’t able to get that in return. I do understand how it feels to get divorced (with children) and never be able to get to a place of mutual support. Best wishes in finding some healing for yourself ❀

        Liked by 1 person

      1. Yeah I got hooked after “Johnathon Livingston Seagull” and am pretty sure I read (and have somewhere” his other works including “Illusions: Adventures of a Reluctant Messiah” and “One”. Great stuff. Will check out your other posts. -Robert

        Liked by 1 person

        1. Thank you! Yes, I loved The Bridge Across Forever and One as a duology about love. Illusions and Running From Safety are good as well. Jonathan Livingston Seagull, I actually heard on a reel-to-reel when I was a boy, lol

          Liked by 1 person

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