The way to happiness is to accept you won’t always be happy.  The way to beauty is to accept you won’t always be beautiful. The way to perfection is to accept you won’t ever be perfect.

We know nothing lasts, that everything ends, and when it does end something swallows us up. We long for that, parallel with or even in lieu of good experiences, as though the realization of an expectation is satisfying and desirable even if the expectation is of a painful experience. We feel the catharsis and calming effect of that pain so we can finally enjoy the pleasures of life with abandon, free from lurking shadows.

Sometimes there is no better release than to simply scream obscenities in the privacy and dark of my automobile, driving west with the windows down and music playing loud, daring the sun to set. The glow from the dashboard gives the feeling of control, illuminating instruments that can direct and instruct, that have tangible results, that have a tactile and visceral effect in the orange glow. Simultaneously, it casts shadows and ghosts, reflecting off the glass in all directions, causing questions to arise in my imperfect flared vision. The colors drain from the sky slowly but unmistakably, no matter how fast I go. The crimson hues bleed out from this day, and I watch it die helplessly. The motion and the music are my mother and father, and the wind streaming and swirling between the windows and through my lungs is their unbridled love for me.

In that moment, I am comforted. I barely exist, but I am here, with just enough feeling to vindicate my existence, and just enough sound to countenance my voice. Hundreds of miles away is an ocean that catches the bleeding daylight.  I can see it by the glow of the moon, and touch it with my unclothed body, and taste its saline when I slide my tongue across my lips, but in so many ways I will never realize the opportunity to completely immerse myself within its waters.

It’s never the things we know about, and try, and fail at. It’s the things that no one ever tells us about, things that we never get a chance to know. If we’re lucky enough we may happen upon them by accident, and upon this discovery we curse humanity for keeping its secrets.

 

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