Second Thoughts and Maybes

The past is often a horrible indicator of how something will turn out. Patterns are excellent indicators.

When the door is shut and you’re on the wrong side, you can still go home and look at the pictures.

She was everything to me, as everything as distance can be. She was a list of things to do that got left in a pocket and washed, and was now crumbling in my hands. I could barely make some of her out, and the rest was lost to me. I remembered the important things, though. I remembered to breathe – she was the air to me.

Don’t try to be perfect all the time. It’s the only way to reach perfection. Appreciate the moments of perfection, the perfect stepping stones across a flawed river.

Obviously I’m a fucking moron who doesn’t learn unless I’m beat over the head like a pinata many many times until some truth comes out. I pick it up and say “Look! Candy truth!” Then I eat it and I get sick and vomit up truth, and only then do I learn the fucking lesson.

All the successful people you’ve ever met have failed dozens of times. They just use sleight-of-hand to make you look at the successes and ignore the failures.

When one door closes, another door opens. Or, you can just open the first door, because that’s how doors work.

The past can change just as much as the future, because the further you get from it, the more you idealize, distort or deny it.

Silence is an answer, too.

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36 thoughts on “Second Thoughts and Maybes”

  1. The past can torture the present, and ruin the future. It’s a powerful weapon that, literally, everyone uses to stab you in the heart. It’s a very sharp blade, and it can hurt very well. The scars it leaves are unforgettable

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    1. All that is true. The past can affect us negatively and sometimes permanently. The future is always malleable, though, and since the scars of the past are unforgettable, they can remind us to take a better path when a situation presents itself. Scars definitely remind us where we came from, but they don’t necessarily dictate where we go.

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      1. Perhaps they don’t dictate where we go, but, indeed, they do dictate what we are. They’re a hurting reminder of our past, a sorrowful indicator of what we are made of. Sometimes a scar isn’t just the remains of a wound, but a painful memory that never fades. A permanent wound rather than a ‘scar’. A scar that is a wound on its own.

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        1. You’re right again. Scars and experiences dictate what we are. They don’t have to dictate what we will be, or what we strive for, or where we end up. Even painful scars, while remaining ever-painful, can ultimately have a positive effect on who we are. They’re permanent, but with experience and perspective, they (and the past itself) can be viewed in a new light, without turning the old light off, so to speak.
          To put it far more simply, we are who we are at this moment. Now what?

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          1. The blade that cuts through our hearts will never smoothen out. It will keep cutting, wounding, and hurting. Until we learn how to handle the sword properly, its edges will never stop digging into our flesh.
            We have to learn how to control it, before we defend it. A weak fighter is a weaker defender. And until we are fighters, we’ll just keep exploring new edges on the blade, gaining more experience. The better we know it, the better we defend it.

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            1. We can both attack and defend with the blade, but there is a third way: we can display it firmly on the wall so it cannot be used in any battle, and study it carefully. We can stop viewing life as a battle altogether. We can stop fighting, and start living. We can stop clashing, and start feeling. We then forge a new weapon: truth.

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            2. Alright, perhaps you’re right. But what is life if not a battle? It is a battle, and I agree truth is a very powerful weapon. Yet that doesn’t change the fact that life really is dirty war. A very dirty, bloody war where everyone dies at the end. No one wins, no one will win, because no one can win. It’s a cycle. Survivors of the first half become the attackers of the second. No one is innocent, because simply no human can be.

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            3. Ah, but everyone dies even if they never fight. It’s not about staying alive. Staying alive is not winning. Living as well as you can, that’s winning.
              I think the saying is: when you’re a hammer, everything looks like a nail. Thinking of life as a battle doesn’t leave much time for appreciating it or valuing it.

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            4. You have a point. I just disagree a little. Perhaps we can say it’s a silent battle, a mute war. 75% of the time life is a battle. The rest is love, and I don’t believe it exists.

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            5. I can agree that it is a battle with ourselves, and that battle is silent. I disagree with you about love. It exists, and is often part of the internal battle – to love ourselves.

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            1. I am worth something, to some people. I have a 5% philosophy. 5% of the people I encounter will dislike me, no matter what. 5% will like me, no matter what. I avoid both. The 5% who dislike me, obvious. The 5% who like me, sure, that feels good, but I can’t grow as a person around yes men and women.

              The rest are on a spectrum. The upper end of that spectrum contains the people for whom you may feel the greatest love, and from whom you can learn the greatest lessons.

              I think everyone has this. Maybe a different percentage, or different superlatives (e.g., hate/love), but everyone has a group of wonderful people who love them and care for them, somewhere. The family we create, which transcends blood.

              Egoism… I overthink and put myself on other people’s shoes almost to a fault. It’s draining and paralyzing at times. It’s disappointing and heartbreaking at other times. Sometimes, it’s perfect, even if only for a moment.

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            2. Agreed. I like the 5% philosophy. It’s almost what life literally is. (Inspires me much more, Libra boy)
              You might discover some when you put yourself in someone else’s place, but you’ll never completely understand their inner situation. Simply because you can’t live in their lives but souls. You can never understand the way they see things emotionally.

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  2. Wow Brian, this is an intriguing piece. I admit, that second paragraph has me pondering and this confuses me, “She was a list of things to do that got left in a pocket and washed, and was now crumbling in my hands.” I mean, if she was everything to you? Maybe i need caffeine.

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    1. Thank you, V. I appreciate you.
      It means she is everything to me, so important and cherished, life itself – but I did something by accident, inadvertently, that made ‘us’ difficult, pushed her away, changed us.
      Sometimes we do things that challenge a relationship irrevocably without realizing it.

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