This Whole Story Is A Plot Twist

“I’ll love you so hard, tasting your skin and licking your thoughts, covering you with sugar kisses and honey nibbles. I’ll sensuously caress your back with my lips, following the curves of your body closely, paying attention to every glistening detail. Mmmmm….

Then I’ll probably go have some pizza. You want me to bring you some?”

She threw a pillow at him, which he dodged easily – moving right into the second pillow. He was just like this. Distracted and sporadic. He was juggling four balls right now, if you count the red onion as a ball, which he did. Red onions are actually purple, if you look at it. I don’t know why they’re called red. She loved to watch him juggle, but only if the balls were Easter egg colors. Ever since the horrible egg accident, she had become fixated on those colors, whatever they were. I’m not looking it up. 

Once upon a time, this sentence came at the beginning of a story. In this day (Wednesday) and age (rude to ask), there’s always a tease of sex or violence or explosions first. This story, for example, started with sex, and some would argue, an explosion. That’s so the story really grabs you by the b- …sorry, that would have been vulgar. I should say ‘really grabs your attention’. 

By the balls.

Because he’s juggling them, silly! Get your mind out of the… wait for it… Godot! There – I just created suspense. Check. One story criteria complete. The suspense was killing you! Until the FDA ruled suspense was a carcinogen and forbid it! That’s how they sneak censorship into my stories nowadays. It’s so convoluted, you need Google Maps just to find your way through it.

Anyway, where was I? What do you mean, you don’t know? You’re looking at Google Maps, aren’t you? What is my location? What’s the 411 on my 404? Is that all the geography-based questions I have? Does anyone know? This is a statement disguised as a question? Because I put a question mark at the end? It’s probably causing some confusion? Especially for those of you who read it in my voice, speaking with a British accent?

The pillow didn’t hurt, nor did it upset his juggling. He had perfect coordination, because he was an android. Both the sex and the explosion were literal. The pink ball was a bomb the whole time. He was not currently juggling a pink ball. Originally there were five balls, including the onion, but he placed the pink ball in a cavity so its explosive force wouldn’t damage her. I bet you didn’t know androids could get cavities, huh. No, you didn’t. You only think of yourself. Geez! The pink ball was very tiny. Also, it was a dental device.

She was a dentist. They were bartering, her dental services for his sexual and entertainment services. I, of course, was busy writing the story, cutting it up and relaying it to you in disordered jumbles, after breaking the fourth wall. And the second wall, accidentally. I wrote in a little exuberant sex scene, which got deleted in the final cut, but they never repaired the wall. That will have to come out of their W-2s. Get it? W-2? Second wall? Yes, that joke was obscure and needed to be explained. I don’t blame you one bit for not getting it at first. Most people only get that joke once a year when they file their taxes.

The end, but there are end credits, so don’t leave yet.

To answer your next question, if I’m reading you right: No, I am not on drugs. I ingested them. What would be the point of being on them? They’d just get dirty, because no one has vacuumed this place in ages. The question after that is an easy one. Let’s skip it. The answer to your third question is no. He was not originally a dental hygienist robot, meaning this story was set 35 years in the future. He was originally a human, and I stepped away for a while and forgot and made him a robot. I said android, but that’s just a robot who looks like a human. This is normally where I would humorously suggest the name of a human as an example, but I’m afraid that would date this story. And this story just wants to be friends. It’s sorry about that. It’s not you. It’s this story. 

Fine. You win. Purple onions are called red onions because people in the past were not very creative or accurate. Think about it. Red cabbage is purple, and only a few people with red hair have hair that is red – it’s mostly orange, or auburn, or ochre. It also explains why Picasso had a blue period. It was actually red, and he actually didn’t have periods, being a man. A common misconception. Get it? Misconcep


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