Fishing For Compliments

I was going to write a post, but I’m so stupid and ignorant, I can barely string two words together with a hyphen and some Super Glue.

See? I said ‘string’ two words together, and then didn’t include string in the list of materials I would use to string two words together. That’s how not smart I am. I be stupid. I was going to post anyway, but I caught a reflection of myself in the toilet bowl water I was drinking from, and it turns out I am also very ugly. Like, ugly ugly, not Ugly Duckling ugly, where I am ugly for a duckling, but very beautiful for a swan. I would be ugly for a duckling AND a swan, though I would make a normal aardvark or meerkat. An ugly meerkat. Definitely not a mirrorkat, if you get what I’m saying.

Frankly I wouldn’t be surprised if you didn’t, because I do the typing equivalent of mumbling, and even when I speak up, it sounds like I am speaking a foreign language, one not from Earth, or one that was around when language was first being developed. You could probably have a better conversation with a parrot, because a parrot would at least repeat what you said, which is probably the smart things of talking about ness. Plus, it would be pretty to look at, unlike myself.

I also dress funny. I admit, I used to wear clothes that did not suck, but that was when my mother or the coffee shop lady used to dress me. I took over those duties myself at some point, and that was the point when Captain Bellbottoms from the 1970s looked at me and said ‘dude, what the hell are you wearing?’ He looked down on me, not just because I’m both dumber and uglier than him, but also because I’m shorter than him.

If you are still reading this, you are a saint. Or if you’re female, you’re whatever a female saint is called. A saintress? Saintette? Are female saints called something different in England language? Anyway, you’re that thing I said previously, because only that type of person I described could have the intestinal fortitude to go this far.

So just stop reading now. And for gosh golly sakes, don’t look at me. You don’t have to prove anything – you’re already going further than most people do, and with a lot less coffee and donuts.

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