Ghost Conference

The ghost walked into the room and set his briefcase down. Princess knew that there was some odd characteristic about ghosts that made them capable of walking through walls, but not floors. He knew he could somehow use this to his advantage, but he didn’t know how.

What do you mean, who is he? Princess. I just told you. His name is Pretty Princess Hoffhoff. The live one, I mean. The ghost’s name was Vericose. Very for short. The ghost disliked the nickname Very, but it was better than going by a name that was as misspelled as it was sanguine. Vericose Vane Smith.

With a name like Smith, you’ve got to have something memorable in front of it. Since Very was male, that thing could not be tits, not even ghost tits. Or those things. Those things, that is to say, the thing or things that could not be in front of it, were, in fact, bewbs. He did have a ghost weiner, but that’s not the same thing. Princess had one to, as most guys do. But I digress. Tits! I just digressed again. Sorry.

Anyway, they were planning the retirement of one Bonnie Tyler (no relation). Unfortunately for Bonnie, she didn’t know she was retiring. Even more unfortunately for Bonnie, she didn’t know that ‘retirement’ was a euphemism…


It worked pretty good for Princess and Very, though. (Do you see why Princess went by his middle name? That would have been confusing, saying it was pretty good for Pretty and Very, or pretty good for Pretty and very good for Very, or very pretty for blah blah blah words. Indeed!)

Wow, that was a great cliffhanger! You’re hanging on the edge of your seat, aren’t you? Well, go ahead and go potty. This story will be here when you get back.

Anyway, the reason they were ‘retiring’ Bonnie is because Bonnie had retired Very first. She was a bitch. I’m trying to align your preferences for Very and Princess and against Bonnie here, if it’s not obvious. She’s horrible. She also likes Nickelback and hates bacon, in case killing a dude isn’t enough of a reason for you to dislike this horribly villainous unsympathetic antagonist.

Bonnie was unaware of any of this because she was visiting her grandmother in the nursing home on her way to the soup kitchen she volunteered at. She always brought one of the dogs she had rescued from the pound with her, unless it wasn’t allowed in the building.

Now, before you think I’ve undone all that turning you against her nonsense, think again. And again. One more time. I know you’re not that used to it, but doesn’t it feel great? Because she visited her grandmother so she would stay in her grandmother’s will. She volunteered at the soup kitchen because she had this hobby of poisoning homeless people with soup. And the dogs, well… let’s just say it wasn’t chicken soup she served.

Princess shot himself up with the same crap Very had used previously to ensure he’d come back as a ghost, in the event he was totally killed by Bonnie. Which he was. How was he killed by her, or how did she kill him if you prefer the active subjunctive alveolar fricative perfect tense? She stabbed him with a pencil sharpener. That is pretty hard to do, folks. A pencil, sure, easy peasy (whatever the fuck that means), but a pencil sharpener? It was a knife. I was pulling your leg. I polled your leg earlier, and it said it was in favor of health care. Not sure about your arm. It was unavailable for comment. But your eyes said maybe.

Bonnie had invited Very into her office, where she stabbed him gently, and then lovingly caressed all the blood out of his body via gravity and a sink. She drank it because… oh, did I not mention she was a vampire? Yeah, she is. Sorry. At least I didn’t forget to tell you that Princess was a werewolf. What? I didn’t? Oh. Well, Very was a wizard. Was!

He didn’t know he was at first. When he was eleven years old, some big guy with a beard walked up to him and said “You’re a wizard, Very.” But he burned all that guy’s hair off in anger. Which was ironic, because in doing so, he confirmed what the guy said.

Anyway, long story short, they killed Bonnie completely and irreversibly.

The end.


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