Starship Innerthighs: Pilot Episode

Space…Last call. These are the voyages of the Starship InnerThighs. Its continuing mission: to seek out new bars, and new party libations. To boldly go where no one has partied before.

Slutty, Lulu, Jackov, Awhora, Klique, Blondes and Spork, along with some other red-pants crew, are hurtling through space on a mission to detect an anomaly or disturbance or some other galactic bright shiny object.

“Captain Klique?”
“Yes, Ms. Lulu?”
“Where do you want to go?”
“Ms. Lulu, on this ship you call me Mistress. Understand?”
“Aye, Mistress.”
“Ms. Lulu – set a course for the Kumquat Sextor.”
“Yes, Mistress Klique. Shall I engage the engines?”
“Yeah, I guess. If you want. What do you want to do? Are you feeling up to it? You want to talk about it?”
“Well, I did need a hug.”
“Okay, here you go.”

She gives Lulu a Vulvan Death Hug. Lulu passes out from the pleasure. Spork stares coldly at Klique.
“Mistress Klique, that was highly illogical.”
“Yeah, that’s right, Spork. We’re women!”
“Oh, right, I forgot. Being illogical is logical for us women. It is part of what makes us irrationally rational in an irrational way, because -”
“Mistress! We’re being hailed!”
“On screen, Awhora.”
“Aye, Mistress. Wow, look at that. I am impressed.”
“Ms. Jackov, set phasers on Stun!”
“Mistress, don’t you mean Stunning?”
“You know it, girlfriend!”

Klique turns to the screen.
“Mistress Klique. Heeeeey. Holla!”
“Holla back, Miss Thang! You are looking hot tonight! For rills!”
“Mistress, I find that outfit highly fabulous.”
“Ms. Spork, the needs of the miniskirt outweight the needs of the few or the one-piece.”
“Fascinating, Mistress.”
“You’re out of your Vulvan mind. Miss Thang, what’s the buzz?”
“Mistress, I just found this new club, and I need to borrow that outfit from Blondes.”
“Oh, right. That blue one with the hmmm, and the whoo!”
“That’s the one.”
“Blondes! Come to the bridge! I need some fashion attention!”
“Dammit, Jen! I’m a doctor, not a – wait a minute, I’m not a doctor! I’ll be right there. I just have to wait for my nails to dry.”
“Hurry, Blondes. It’s an emergency.”

Klique looks at the screen again.
“So, Miss Thang, I hear you have a new boyfriend. Is he cute?”
“He’s dreamy. But dumb as a bag of dollar store eyeliner.”
“I know, right? Go me! I’m hittin’ that tonight! Unless I find something better.”
“Like he has a twin brother?”
“He does have a twin brother. He’s a clone.”
“Oh god, girl! Put a pic on screen!”
The crew ogle the dreamboat on the screen for a bit, thinking about clones of him for each of them.
“Here you go, Miss Thang! Oooooh, who’s that?”
“My boyfriend! Hands off him, blondie!”
“You know you’re my bff, Miss Thang! I just want a little DNA from him, that’s all.”
“Oh. Let me beam some over. Got it?”
“Got it. Laterz!”

Just then, a ship drops its cloak, its shoes, its purse and its earrings. The crew is alarmed.
“Slutty! That big bitch Bimbotomy just showed up. We can’t take her!”
“Mistress, I canna hold out much longer. This hair! Stupid humidity! Why can’t I have straight hair like other girls?”
“Girl, you know your milkshake brings all the clones to the lab – but we gotta Audi 5000.”
“I’m giving her all she’s got, Mistress. Any more and it’ll break off and make all kinds of split ends.”
“Hurry, Slutty! If you don’t, we’re all gonna dye!”
“Okay, fine. I hate cleaning the bathroom after you bitches color your hair.”
“All the Diet Cokes you have, as soon as possible!”
“Almost there….”
“Now, Slutty!”
“Almost there….. Now!”
“Ms. Lulu, get us out of here. Whorep Factor 69!”
“Aye, Mistress. That bird has been flipped.”
“Bitch. Who invited her, anyway?”
“Sorry, that was me, Mistress. I haven’t deleted her off my friends list yet.”
“Awhora! Damn you!”
“Sorry, I just had my mind on other things, and…Aunt Flo is in town, and…” She starts crying.
“It’s okay, Awhora. I keep forgetting you haven’t synched up to our cycles yet. Why don’t you take a few hours in the mestruationarium?”
“Thank you, Mistress.”
“Ms. Jackov, you have the bridge. Spork, come with me. We’ll do each other’s hair and watch Steel Magnolias.’
“Fascinating. Perhaps we can engage in coloration of our cuticular metacarpal termini?”
“What the hell did you just say?”
“I don’t know. I read it in Cosmoplanetarian and I just loved the sound of it.”
“Oh yeah, I saw that. Let’s go! My lingerie is almost finished and I need to hang it up before it wrinkles. Who likes a wrinkled teddy? Not this girl.”


13 thoughts on “Starship Innerthighs: Pilot Episode”

  1. As a Star Trek fan, I love it. Your twist on the names and series terminology is masterful. You are an evil genius and one sick bastid. Thanks for the warning; I’ll make a bathroom trip before the next installment so I don’t pee my pants.

    Liked by 2 people

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