The Pick Up Artist

Hey, how are you doing tonight? You feeling good? Having a drink? Great. Me too. You want to come sit here? Or mind if I sit there? Is this taken? You reading this? I noticed you reading it. How could I not? You’re so pretty. I care about your feelings. Are you tired? Because you’ve been running through my mind all night, and you look kind of sweaty. Where you going? Back to heaven?

Well, hello to you! Are you a parking ticket? Because you have $157 written all over you. Your daddy must be a thief. He stole the stars from the skies, and shoved them into your skull. You need another drink? Bartender, can you bring this hot lady another… Fuck Off? I haven’t heard of that before. What’s in it? Triple sex? Yeah – oh, hey, I lost my phone number. Can you do a GPS search and track my phone so I can find it? And then I’ll call you and give it to you that way. I see great things for us tonight. Nothing will come between us except body fluids, baybee. Oh, and speaking of Santorum, I’m not really into politics, but I was wondering if you’d like to hold my caucus? I have a feeling that if you do, it will lead to a massive election. The only way to resolve it is with an up-down vote.

Hello, ladies. Great night, isn’t it? Hey, I have a little challenge for you. I bet you can’t touch your bellybutton with both elbows at the same time. Yeah, I bet you can’t. Okay, prove it. Whoa! I guess you showed me! I’m all for women’s rights and all that junk. I think you should wear whatever you want. As little or as much as you want. And if you want thigh-high stockings and a short skirt, I support that. If you want a low-cut top, I support that. And if you want fake boobs, I will totally support them. With both hands. I think you’re both hot, from your shiny awesome hair, all the way down to your stiletto heels, and the toilet paper stuck to them.

How YOU doin’? Girl, I saw you across the room and I just had to come over and say something. So here I am, the man of your dreams! Don’t pinch yourself, you are awake! Sorry, I don’t have any gum. This is spearmint schnapps! I’m being smart. I drink it, drive on it, puke it up, my breath is minty fresh the whole night. Smell! No, seriously, smell my breath. Nice, huh? You would never guess that I vomited recently. So, have you ever had sex in a bathroom? That sounds hot. If you have, then do you know if it’s possible to get anything from the toilet seat during sex? I don’t know either. So, your place or mine? What? I mean, are we doing it in the ladies room or the men’s room? Oh, neither, huh? You want to do it right here? That’s kinky! It’s so hot. Sure, I’ll wait right here. Can you bring back a bar towel? I think I might have spilled my drink, if you know what I’m saying.

Hi, ladies. You are looking so fine. If I could rewrite the alphabet, I’d put U between F and CK. Come on, let me buy you a drink. Oh, what the hell – I’ll buy each of you a drink. I’m feeling pretty good. Don’t worry, I’m pretty harmless. I just want to talk and get to know you better. Learn about you, and what you’re like. You know what I like in a woman? My penis. Seriously, I look for that in a woman. I like my women like I like my coffee – with plenty of alcohol in. Let’s go practice making a baby!

*passes out*

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36 thoughts on “The Pick Up Artist”

  1. HAHAHAHAHAHAHAAH. “shove them in your skull.” hahah just laughed the entire time. and is there any chance you can change your post colors to be a light background and dark text? i’m seeing spots but i want to keep reading these. just a humble request. it’s ok either way

    Liked by 1 person

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