Awkward Is Love Spelled Backwards

Warning: Some people are really not going to get or understand anything in this post. Please skip right to the bottom. What are you doing! Don’t touch that! I meant the bottom of this post! (Incidentally, is it ‘backward’ or ‘backwards’? I went with ‘backwards’.)

If there’s one thing I’ve learned in my such-and-such years on this planet (Earth), it’s that the free food you get at most restaurants (bread, chips, etc.), taste kind of stale and flavorless. But if I have learned a second thing, it’s that it doesn’t take much to make things awkward. Fortunately I have a reliable defense mechanism: a bear trap.

No, seriously, my defense mechanism is that I make things even more awkward than they are, usually leading to people becoming nostalgic for a time when things were merely somewhat awkward. I do this one of two ways.

I went to Starbucks recently. Like, 3 hours ago. I found a gift card while I was organizing my files and bookshelf and rearranging things and dusting and vacuuming and getting rid of some clutter and junk and so forth and so on and will this guy ever fucking get to the end of this list so we can move on? That gift card was unopened and unused. It reminded me of the three other gift cards I had in my wallet, all for Victoria’s Secret and Jin Lee’s House of Wax and Four-Hand Massage. I’m kidding! They weren’t ALL for those places!

So while I was at Starbucks, in the drive through ordering kiosk location area window, I handed the lady (female) what I thought was my lowest value gift card (to Big Lots). She said it had no money on it. So I handed her the next one. It paid for about seven bucks, leaving two something (in US dollars). I handed her a third card, and FINALLY the drinks were paid for. I didn’t have to touch the one I found while cleaning earlier. I just touched it because I enjoy it.

What? What are the two ways? For what? Oh, right. The first is humor. I crack a joke or try to be funny. Sometimes it works, and sometimes it works for everyone – it always works for me, at least. I feel fine – but other people sometimes (usually) feel more awkward. Wow, did they have a sale on mid-sentence hyphens today? The other way is to release a swarm of killer bees.

No, seriously, it depends on who I’m around. If it’s people I care about, then I try to remember the good times and say a few words about those. It usually has no effect on them, at least not right away, but it chills me the fuck out immediately. It forces me to balance good and bad things, instead of focusing on bad only. It makes me a slightly better person. Other people feel awkward when I do that, because they’re all ready to be extremely mad and I come along and ruin it. If it’s other people, I just stare for a few seconds, and then start talking about something completely esoteric (my fascination with the Gazette). I think other people feel awkward most of the time. It’s a little secret I use to my advantage whenever I feel awkward myself. I go from ‘I feel awkward’ to ‘they probably feel awkward too’ to ‘I feel better now’ to ‘how can I fuck with them?’

I slowly get closer and closer until I’m right next to them, my lips close to their throat, and I lick mine and blow hot breath across the nape, gently, enough to raise the tiny hairs. I whisper ‘just let it happen’…

No, I don’t. That’s crazy! It’s hard to lick my lips without licking their neck too. Tiny kisses and nibbles are usually sufficient.

So, if any of you feel awkward right now, I’m wearing panties, swim fins and a Deputy Dawg floatie.

None of you understand. I’m not locked up in here with YOU. You’re locked up in here with ME. – Alan Moore, The Watchmen (Rorschach)

 

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23 thoughts on “Awkward Is Love Spelled Backwards”

  1. I liked this very intriguing post story. It is true getting too close to another unfamiliar person will bring possible anxiety and awkwardness.
    The whole whispering experience won’t help at all until I get to know you! Haha ๐Ÿ˜‰

    Liked by 1 person

        1. Oh no! Actually, I read so much that I stopped buying books. I check them out from the library, dozens a year. So my bookshelves look like what was happening 15 years ago. People borrow and people loan, and it’s a world collective.

          But still, I hope you find it!!!

          Like

  2. I have a lot to say!!!!!!
    I will give you a numbered list because a.) I’m a bit of a nerdy nerd and b.) My mummy brain loses track of things sometimes
    (Oooh, she put LETTERS to explain why she’s going to use NUMBERS! How meta….)

    1. I laughed out loud at the “just let it happen ” paragraph. Wait , still laughing. . Ok I’m done. (Giggle )
    2. I understood everything you said. Does that make me smarter than the average bear?…yes. Yes it does.
    3. I never feel awkward. I may make others feel awkward – I’m sure- but I don’t have that felling anymore. I find it pointless, maybe useless is the word I’m searching for or fake? ..Hmmmmmm. ..I find it. ..it serves no purpose and so my already crammed brain leaves no room for it so ppfffff- it’s gone! You could try your best and I’d soak up your awkward and hurl it to right back. (Is it in liquid form now? I don’t know. )
    4.) I always think I’m quite a deep and meaningful person, imbuing my writing with a universal resonance (nice ,right?) Then I read your stuff and I think – wow. This is another level of…something (see, you’ve made my vocab disappear! )
    5.) Are you published? You should be. Or you should have a TV show or a podcast (maybe you have a face for radio – I wouldn’t presume to know)
    6.) I like what you write
    7.) I donโ€™t like the number 6 but I love the number 7

    X

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Wow, your comment was better than my whole post! Good to see that you’re a nerdy nerd, like that. I lose track of things too, so no problem there. lol

      One. I’m glad you laughed at something I wrote. That’s awesome!

      Two. Of course you’re smart! So obvious.

      Three. I think I could make you feel awkward. Challenge accepted! But I agree with you that it’s useless. And I have no doubt that you can make others feel awkward, haha!

      Four. You are quite deep and meaningful, and when you read my stuff, you’re in awe at how banal and meaningless it is. That’s all! Another level I’ve sunk to?

      Five. I am sort of published. I mean, technically the blog is published. But I have some e-books too. Three, but the third one is a compilation of the first two. They’re sort of like this post, actually. Except a hundred times more. I think I could do a podcast.

      Six. Thank you very much. I like your stuff too!

      Seven. I think if you had used the words of numbers, it would have satisfied both sides of you.

      O (see what I did there?)

      Like

      1. Oh very clever, sir.
        I’m cutting this short or we’ll be backwards (with an s. You Americans drop the s first some reason. ..๐Ÿ˜) and forwards all day!
        What are your books called?
        Do a podcast!
        Thank you for calling me quite deep and meaningful.
        Xx

        Like

        1. Le gasp! I am American and I put an S at the end of Backwards in the title of this very post! Lol
          I’d have to tell you in private. For reasons that I would also have to tell you in private.
          I am not sure what I’d do in a podcast, but ironically, the books are me speaking into a digital recorder and transcribing that into entries. I’ve been thinking of reading some of my poetry. Aloud, I mean. Not just reading it. I wrote it. And why would I tell you I was reading my own stuff, anyway? That’s silly.

          Like

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