Warning: Some people are really not going to get or understand anything in this post. Please skip right to the bottom. What are you doing! Don’t touch that! I meant the bottom of this post! (Incidentally, is it ‘backward’ or ‘backwards’? I went with ‘backwards’.)
If there’s one thing I’ve learned in my such-and-such years on this planet (Earth), it’s that the free food you get at most restaurants (bread, chips, etc.), taste kind of stale and flavorless. But if I have learned a second thing, it’s that it doesn’t take much to make things awkward. Fortunately I have a reliable defense mechanism: a bear trap.
No, seriously, my defense mechanism is that I make things even more awkward than they are, usually leading to people becoming nostalgic for a time when things were merely somewhat awkward. I do this one of two ways.
I went to Starbucks recently. Like, 3 hours ago. I found a gift card while I was organizing my files and bookshelf and rearranging things and dusting and vacuuming and getting rid of some clutter and junk and so forth and so on and will this guy ever fucking get to the end of this list so we can move on? That gift card was unopened and unused. It reminded me of the three other gift cards I had in my wallet, all for Victoria’s Secret and Jin Lee’s House of Wax and Four-Hand Massage. I’m kidding! They weren’t ALL for those places!
So while I was at Starbucks, in the drive through ordering kiosk location area window, I handed the lady (female) what I thought was my lowest value gift card (to Big Lots). She said it had no money on it. So I handed her the next one. It paid for about seven bucks, leaving two something (in US dollars). I handed her a third card, and FINALLY the drinks were paid for. I didn’t have to touch the one I found while cleaning earlier. I just touched it because I enjoy it.
What? What are the two ways? For what? Oh, right. The first is humor. I crack a joke or try to be funny. Sometimes it works, and sometimes it works for everyone – it always works for me, at least. I feel fine – but other people sometimes (usually) feel more awkward. Wow, did they have a sale on mid-sentence hyphens today? The other way is to release a swarm of killer bees.
No, seriously, it depends on who I’m around. If it’s people I care about, then I try to remember the good times and say a few words about those. It usually has no effect on them, at least not right away, but it chills me the fuck out immediately. It forces me to balance good and bad things, instead of focusing on bad only. It makes me a slightly better person. Other people feel awkward when I do that, because they’re all ready to be extremely mad and I come along and ruin it. If it’s other people, I just stare for a few seconds, and then start talking about something completely esoteric (my fascination with the Gazette). I think other people feel awkward most of the time. It’s a little secret I use to my advantage whenever I feel awkward myself. I go from ‘I feel awkward’ to ‘they probably feel awkward too’ to ‘I feel better now’ to ‘how can I fuck with them?’
I slowly get closer and closer until I’m right next to them, my lips close to their throat, and I lick mine and blow hot breath across the nape, gently, enough to raise the tiny hairs. I whisper ‘just let it happen’…
No, I don’t. That’s crazy! It’s hard to lick my lips without licking their neck too. Tiny kisses and nibbles are usually sufficient.
So, if any of you feel awkward right now, I’m wearing panties, swim fins and a Deputy Dawg floatie.
None of you understand. I’m not locked up in here with YOU. You’re locked up in here with ME. – Alan Moore, The Watchmen (Rorschach)