This is an analysis and dissection of the utterly stupid movie The Parent Trap. Why? Because I’m nothing if not timely! I mean, the first movie starring Hayley Mills came out in the 60s, and even the remake was nearly twenty years ago, starring a cute pre-drugs pre-trainwreck pre-mug shot Lindsay Lohan. And some other people. I don’t really remember. I’m still having trouble dealing with the fact that I’ve seen both versions many times, because someone around here thinks they’re cute movies! They are so very very wrong. Extremely wrong.
“Nickelback is a really good band” wrong. That’s how wrong.
This is not only a Disney movie, but it’s supposed to be a family film! Disney fucking HATES families! With a passion! How many movies featured a dead mother, or a child forced to do all kinds of shit or run away or stay in a horrible home? Oh, and just for variety, they occasionally had one without an evil stepmother. And this movie is probably the best example of just how much Disney hates families.
The backstory is just horrible. Basically, spoiler alert, a couple had sex, the woman gets knocked up with twins, and they split up. For some sick twisted and really disgusting dysfunctional sociopathic reason, they decide to-
I can barely say this, as a parent of twins…
They decide they’ll each take one of the twins and never see each other again, never refer to each other, and never, for over a decade, even mention to the girls that they have a twin sister. And fuck, I don’t blame them, because that’s a horrible and evil thing to do, separating you from your twin sister and pretending they don’t exist, right? I mean, if the twins ever found out this had happened, they’d fucking INTENSELY HATE both their parents for doing something so fucking evil and hideous, that they’d want to run away and be adopted by someone else, and hope their mother and father would DIE DIE DIE, and-
Sigh. Except because Disney is a twisted motherfucker, that’s not what happens. They discover each other by accident at a summer camp, which for some odd reason wasn’t vetted by the asshole parents, and instead of instantly hating the both of them, the girls instead TRADE PLACES! To get to know the other parent! You know, the parent that abandoned them in this twisted Solomon-esque deal! Yeah, let’s fucking meet!
Then, just when it couldn’t get any more stupid, it DOES get more stupid, or stupider, when the girls decide to try to get their hideous fucking parents BACK TOGETHER! And does hilarity ensue? Fuck, I guess, if you’re a complete moron. But if you’re anywhere close to a reasonable human being, you watch the rest of this movie in total and complete shock that this is A KID’S MOVIE despite being worse than Honey Boo Boo, Sixteen and Pregnant, and every single episode of Jerry Springer ever made, all put together! It makes the Home
Alone series look like it features Parents of the Year!
Hey kids! Let’s watch a movie where you don’t know your sibling and one of your parents for 11 years! Ha ha! What a fucking laugh riot! Awwww, gross child neglect and abandonment and hideous and pathologically disgusting parenting is so fucking cute! Like bunnies (from Watership Down) or mama deer (from Bambi)!
This is one of the most disgusting movies ever made that for some reason is intended to be cutesy, family-friendly and wholesome. The only thing that would have made this movie more disgusting and stupid is if the twins’ grandparents ALSO got together. But hey, who knows… maybe the Disney people are reading this.