An Analysis And Dissection Of The Utterly Horrible Song “All I Wanna Do Is Make Love To You”

This is an analysis and dissection of the utterly stupid song All I Wanna Do Is Make Love To You by Heart (sort of, because I don’t think they wrote it). Why? Because with mommy porn and stripper movies in the headlines, some people might be confusing empowerment and glitter. Also, some people might actually like this horrible, crappy, awful song that defies logic and emotion both.

I don’t think I’m spoiling anything by telling you that this song is about a whorish asshole of a woman who has a husband that apparently can’t have kids, so instead of talking about it, or seeing some doctors, or using SCIENCE!, or, you know, FUCKING TRYING AGAIN A FEW MORE TIMES – or even leaving him – this slut drives down the road, picks up a filthy hitchhiker and screws him in a hotel room for his baby gravy! Fuck yeah! Stay tuned for the follow-up single All I Wanna Do Is Make You Take A Paternity Test (Maury Povich Remix)!

It was a rainy night when he came into sight
Standing by the road
no umbrella
no coat
Okay, so for the record, this is a hitchhiker, with no car. Unless he ran out of gas, which is a warning sign in and of itself, he is at best lazy, and at worst either too unemployed to have a car, or too much in trouble with the law to have a license, and dirty, drunk and homeless either way. 99% of people would just pass right on by, especially in this day and age, but hey, not THIS woman!

So I pulled up along side and I offered him a ride
He accepted with a smile so we drove for a while
See? Utterly ridiculous and dangerous right off the bat, in the first fucking verse. Also, did you notice the ‘moon/June, love/of” juvenile rhymes? Oh, Ann – do you really heart money that bad (see what I did there?) that you’d sell out like this?

I didn’t ask him his name
this lonely boy in the rain
Fate tell me it’s right
is this love at first sight
Now, this all sounds romantic and everything, but when you hear what comes later, you realize how shocking this is, and what a bitch she is! (The girl in the song, not Ann Wilson. Ann redeems herself with Fever Dog later.) Furthermore, since when can an ostensibly homeless drunk dirty drifter be referred to as a “lonely boy”. Hello, welcome to Delusional Land – population YOU!

Please don’t make it wrong
just stay for the night
“Please don’t make it wrong”? How the fuck could it be wronger than this? Huh? Bitch!

All I wanna do is make love to you
Say you will
You want me to
All I wanna do is make love to you
I’ve got loving arms to hold on to
Well of course he wants her to – he’s a dirty drunk homeless person! He’s like “SCORE!”, and besides, how’s she gonna find him afterward? He has no fixed address! And “loving arms to hold on to” – what the fuck does that mean? They’re screwing – I seriously doubt he’s holding on to her arms.

So we found this hotel
it was a place I knew well
Oh REALLY? So you take tons of guys back to this hotel? What a whore. Seriously.

We made magic that night. Oh
he did everything right
THIS GOES THERE! SQUIRT! He stuck that landing! Judges gave him a 10!

He brought the woman out of me
so many times
Wait… I may have been too hasty. “Brought the woman out of me”? You’re not a woman? Excuse me, but I think I see what the problem is with you having kids. Unless…. you’re talking about an Alien situation? Gross! Or did you eat a woman, and he’s…. it’s all too gross to think about…. But it’s still pretty stupid.

And in the morning when he woke all I left him was a note
I told him ‘I am the flower you are the seed’
We walked in the garden we planted a tree
Holy fuck, I’ve never seen such a moronic understanding of basic biology in my life. Preschool children have a better… I mean, a seed and a flower makes a tree? That you plant? In the ground? And how is walking in a garden a metaphor for fucking? What does walking represent? Are you standing up? And what is the garden? Sounds like it’s time to get a new mattress to me. But wait – they’re in a hotel! That she’s been to many times before. Or “she”. So “she’s” immune to all the filth, I guess.

Don’t try to find me
please don’t you dare
Just live in my memory
you ‘ll always be there
Talk about your easy tasks – he was probably thinking about ditching her 5 seconds after he jizzed in the “garden”. Now he has a note telling him not to find her? What’s next – a note telling him to breathe and drink water?

All I wanna do is make love to you
One night of love was all we knew
All I wanna do is make love to you
I’ve got loving arms to hold on to
One night of “love” – if you can call dirty sex on a grubby mattress in a seedy hotel with a filthy drunk homeless guy “love”, then ding ding ding, we have a winner.

we made love
Love like strangers
All night long
We made love
*We fucked.

Then it happened one day
we came round the same way
You can imagine his surprise when he saw his own eyes
IT’S ALIVE! He also saw his neck and feet! Mwa-ha-ha! How about her surprise, huh? She usually doesn’t have repeat business. But what about some bitch from a few months or years before having a kid would make him think it was his? What if his eyes were brown – that would make the chances of the baby having “his own eyes” about 70% or something, even if he hadn’t made sheet angels with the baby’s rotten whore of a mother.

I said ‘please
please understand
I’m in love with another man
And what he couldn’t give me
was the one little thing you can’
And there you have it. The huge whorecunt bullshit of the entire song. Her man couldn’t perform, or whatever, and so instead of all the things I listed above, she fucked another guy for his juice. And on top of that, she called creepy drunk homeless DUI guy ‘little’. It just adds to his problems, huh? Talk about adding insult to injury to jimmy-stealing. And she probably didn’t even tell the man she was supposedly in “love” with. She keeps using that word. I don’t think that word means what she thinks it means. Stupid whore.

All I wanna do is make love to you
One night of love was all we knew
All I want to do is make love to you
Come on
say you will
you want me to

All I wanna do is make love to you
One night of love was all we knew
All I want to do is make love to you
Say you will
you want me to
All we knew, until she wants another kid, right? Then she goes off again, maybe to a rest area or a truck stop this time? Who knows? The sky is the limit. The upper limit – there is no limit to how low this bitch will sink.

All night long
All night long

All night long
All night long
See? That’s so galling – if all she needed was sperm, why did she do it all night long? And what if the guy had previously taken care of himself somehow?

All you’ll get from me is a vasectomy
You have my thanks
But I’m shooting blanks

It’s absolutely unbelievable what people will sing about these days, but this has to be the most evil and twisted song that pretends to be a contemporary pop hit in the history of recorded music. Definitely a low point for Heart.

No, I’m not posting the video! Bleh! Go find it yourself!


25 thoughts on “An Analysis And Dissection Of The Utterly Horrible Song “All I Wanna Do Is Make Love To You””

  1. You’re not wrong. I can’t say I ever really liked the song, but now I feel dirty. I feel like I need to shower every time I’ve heard this song off. Thank you for tearing down any veils of illusion I have suffered under in not really liking this in the first place. I have to say, though, you’re a little judge-y about fucking hitchhikers there. There are RULES, friend.

    Liked by 1 person

  2. Haha wow some of this really made me laugh.
    I agree. This is a horrible song. I have never liked it. When I first listened to the words, I wondered where the heck I was. I still do.
    But the hitchhiker thing, kinda made me laugh. Have you had a bad experience? I have picked up a few in my life. My mother did a lot when we were kids, back when it was safer. I don’t do it really anymore… oh wait, we did last easter, on the way to our really early dawn service. That was really interesting. And we did when we visited New Zealand. That was interesting too.
    Oh, and I have run out of gas…
    And I have a really good friend who is homeless…
    I think we can agree that she is the worst part of this scenario! Lol.

    Liked by 2 people

              1. Yes, I’d imagine our experiences would have been different as we lived on the plains 🙂 I so love the scenery, the weather, the people…ugh autumn is my favourite time, especially the first snow on autumn colour, but I may have blabbed on about this before 🙂

                Liked by 1 person

                  1. I remember you telling me.
                    So many places!
                    We planned our honeymoon through the SW there before we found out we would be living in Colorado…I will never forget the Ouray area etc. either! We did the narrow guage train trip as well, from Durango. Oh my gosh, that was amazing. It all is! As you know.

                    Liked by 1 person

  3. I hate this song for personal reasons. When I was a kid, my mother loved it. It came out around the time my dad found out my mother had been cheating on him a friend of his–our next door neighbor. Hearing this song makes my organs itch. It’s a shit song.

    Liked by 1 person

      1. No! Actually, I was happy to see this post written in your style. I love your style SO much, and I didn’t feel like vomiting reading it because you were slamming it so perfectly. In fact, I thank you because now I have something else to think about when it comes to mind, or I hear it playing. No apologizes, my friend. ❤

        Liked by 1 person

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