Hello, and welcome to my blah blah blog. What kind of philosophical stuff is coming out of my face today? No matter how lame, or inane, or laminane, or lemonade, or laminated… okay, the Magic Billion Ball in my head has come up with the following topic:
A Serious Analysis and Discussion of the Versatility of the Put Down ‘So’s Your Face’
‘So’s your face’ is more versatile than ‘fuck you’. I’ll say that right off the bat, or straightaway if you’re British and afraid of change. ‘Fuck you’ is more of a final thing, when you want the argument or issue to be over, or when you don’t want to talk anymore, or when you know the person fairly well. ‘So’s your face’ has the same anger and forcefulness of a ‘fuck you’, but has a subtle and mischievous aspect that I like. It’s more smartass, and less dick, if you will. And if you will, then… anyway, ‘so’s your face’ still has a forceful one-syllable word that starts with ‘f’ – face! – but it’s more adversarial and clever. First of all, the other person has to figure it out. I mean, it’s not hard, but the first time somebody hears that, they have to figure out how that’s even a put down, and why you look so smug. Then they think about it, and figure it out, and they realize: you have the ultimate put down. There’s no comeback for ‘so’s your face’. Even ‘so’s your face’ isn’t a good comeback for ‘so’s your face’, because it’s already been done. They get minus one point, even with the same exact words.
‘Fuck you’ is like ‘we’re done, this conversation’s over, I don’t care if I won or lost, fuck you.’ ‘So’s your face’ is like ‘let’s continue this conversation forever, because I have the ultimate put down, and you’re not going to beat me. Ever. You have no comeback. You have nothing better. I win. Period. Why would I not want to continue winning?” And that’s where the mischief comes in. You can say ‘so’s your face’, and they might realize that answering back ‘so’s your face’ has minus one point and come up with something else, and you can say ‘so’s your face’ because the first one to say it can repeat it without point loss.
Technically, ‘so’s your face’ has the mischievous and annoying elements of ‘I know you are, but what am I?’ without the innate immaturity of it. It’s like a grown up version of ‘I know you are, but what am I?’ Seriously, can you think of anything better than ‘so’s your face’? I mean, take a decent female put down like “Hey, Ward, you have a tiny penis.” I can just say ‘so’s your face’. In this case, the ”s’ in ‘so’s your face’ stands for ‘does’ rather than ‘is’, which is just another example of the versatility and adaptability of ‘so’s your face’.
You can think of many different applications for this. Take a presidential debate:
Opponent: Your jobs bill and high taxes are going to ruin this country!
You: So’s your face.
Who can argue with that? You would win every single debate you participated in, primaries, caucuses, run-offs, and the big show. In fact the secret, I think, to a successful third party in the United States of America will be whichever party successfully figures out the nuances of and expertly uses the phrase ‘so’s your face’. They’d have to be subtle – they couldn’t call themselves the ‘So’s Your Face Party’. Not even the ‘Face Party’ – that’s still too obvious and would tip the other parties off. You have to use the element of surprise. First debate, the candidate would come out – walk out with confidence, ready to go. “I’m the third party, and I’m going to destroy you.” First time they give you any kind of difficult question, try to slam them over the head with your answer: ‘so’s your face’. It’s especially damaging in a timed situation. One of your opponents says ‘your plan to run the country is awful. You have no experience, you haven’t created a single job, you’re not qualified to be president, and I think you’re a disgrace to this nation.” You just walk up and say “So’s your face. I concede the rest of my time to my opponents. Thank you.” and just stand there behind the podium. Who can argue with that?
Oh sure, there are plenty of other delicious and situationally appropriate put downs that in specific situations can be better, more damaging, more devastating than ‘so’s your face’. But unlike ‘so’s your face’, they have limited application. ‘So’s your face’ is versatile. It’s the shotgun of put downs. You can hit anything with it at any time.
Studies are underway to determine if combinations involving ‘so’s your face’ are better than ‘so’s your face’ alone. For example, “Fuck you! So’s your face.” So far, results are inconclusive. For those of you who think this topic, this post and this entire blog are the dumbest fucking thing they’ve ever seen – three words for you.
So’s your face.