So there I was – no, THERE you idiot! I’ve never even SEEN North Dakota! And I was driving home, thinking about football blogs, or something, and I pulled into the driveway.
There was the van I had promised to gas up, and the gas tank for the lawn mower I had promised to gas up. So I got some Taco Bell, kim chee and Hot Pockets, and I… no, wait, that’s not what happened. I don’t want to mislead anyone. LOOK! A SQUIRREL! So I put my gyn bag into my… no, my GYM bag. Dammit, Gym, I’m a doctor, not a typographer!
Okay, as I was saying, I got out of my car, and into your dreams! I put my bag in the van. I put my coffee cup from this morning into the van. I put the gas can into the van. And I backed out of the driveway and drove the 1.4 miles to the nearest convenient store for which I had one of those little cards. I got gas for the van. I went inside. I got some money from the ATM. I got two energy drinks, a delicious “cappuccino” for myself, and a “cappuccino” for “someone else” that tasted like shit. I’m sorry, it did. But, if it makes “someone else” happy, so be it. I’m miserable, but I’m not an asshole. I also got a lottery ticket, because I am the 1%! Yeah!
I put the drinks in my bag. I moved the empty coffee cup from this morning to the back cup holder, so I could put the coffee into the two front cup holders. The lottery ticket and receipts went into my wallet. BY THEMSELVES! I got into the car, or van, and I drove on a leisurely little path, happily sipping my delicious English Toffee Cappuccino, or “Cappuccino”. And after some time, I pulled into the driveway. Nice day, ready to go in and eat, ready to hang out, and just generally-
DAMMIT! I forgot to get gas in the GAS CAN! It was nearly the whole entire reason I went to the gas station! I nearly said ‘Fuck’, but I didn’t. I said “MOTHERFUCKER!” Then I got back into the van, drove back to the same gas station – HA HA, NO I DIDN’T! I didn’t want to be seen going to the same gas station twice! They would know I forgot! So I went to a different one, a happier one, one where I could just lose myself, become whoever I wanted, reinvent myself, where no one knew my sordid past of forgetting to get gasoline, somehow forgetting to get it in the time it took to FILL UP A VAN! Do you realize how long that is? I mean, it takes hundreds of gallons to fill up a van! More if you don’t roll down the windows! But those people treated me with respect. They didn’t care about my past. They didn’t care about – okay, to be honest, I didn’t actually go inside. It doesn’t take long to put gas in a little can for a lawnmower in late September. Still costs $5.65, but takes no time at all.
The point is, English Toffee “cappuccino” is delish, and Caramel Latte “cappuccino” tastes like squirrel semen in beef gravy. Seriously. I’ve never actually had – okay, TWICE, but that’s IT! I just couldn’t help it – I was distracted by the fact that even though it was a female squirrel, she had nuts.
The point is, I am glad Green Bay won tonight, or whatever day it was in relation to when you’re reading this. Probably a grandmother. Fantasy Football really screws up team loyalties, unless you’re from Ohio, where, let’s face it, you have no team loyalties – you’re just happy your team isn’t in prison or moving to Baltimore. You find yourself saying things like “Go, New York! But not too much, because I still want my Wide Receiver to get a lot of yards! But since defensive points are not based on yards against, but points against, just let him run but not score!” And let me tell you, it’s really hard to get crowd response with a Mouthful of a Cheer like that. I don’t even know why they sold laundry detergent at this stadium!
The point is, someone is going to mow the yard tomorrow. It’s Billy Idol! His wife makes him do it in the dark. In the midnight hour, she cries “Mow, mow mow.” Wow, I get so much mileage out of that joke – without the use of gasoline, or as you Brits call it, “pistolas”.”.”.”.” (Take that, Grammar Nazis! Is it wrong, is it right – period inside or outside the quotes, well I got both!)